Excuse me, but could I trouble you to swath me generously in indigenous textiles?
As you can see, I’m only partially swathed.
I need your help, Sister, as I tend to my nest of artisanal kilims. Surely you’d feel more sourced, and ready to purchase my man-bag if I didn’t have this asymmetrical swath problem, wouldn’t you, Girl.
See how vulnerable my pedicure looks, as it caresses these tender fringelings? My skinny jeans, while rich in hue, hardly suffice for such holisticness. Of course, because this fool stylist left me swath-imbalanced.
But, my hand-made accessories shopping brethren and sistren,
If you care to unlock my $225 crotch satchel, you will find a treasure trove of native wovens inside its buttery hide that is actually $220 of waxed canvas and $5 of tanned leather goodness. Wovens sold separately, Goddess.
You can swaddle my shivering rose-linen left shoulder, and nestle in my chia-chin while you’re there, beard-lover.
Do you see my ears, Boy? I’m ready for your oral history. Bring me some burlap, and I’ll anthropologize your purchase.