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FORTUNATELY I got the lead. UNFORTUNATELY I play a boy. By the quoteunquote GRADE SCHOOL COLUMNIST!



img002Remember that book Fortunately or Unfortunately that Miss Ross read? How first something seems good but then it turns out totally bog as in bogus? Like “FORTUNATELY you get a free hot air balloon ride!! UNFORTUNATELY you land in the middle of the ocean and there are sharks and no Isaac waiting for you on the Lido Deck.”

I finally got the lead in the Camp Shalom play but the play is called Hair and it’s about pollution? FORTUNATELY I have the lead. UNFORTUNATELY I play a man named Burger as in Hamburger. I get to sing solos but they aren’t pretty where your hair flows behind you in your mind. They are about Carbon Monoxide and wearing a pantsuit and holding a picket sign.

FORTUNATELY I am the lead. UNFORTUNATELY I play a boy again. Like when I played the Pied Piper of Hamlin and Amy Lemburg played her recorder off stage while I pretended to play recorder on stage, but sometimes I forgot to fake it and she kept playing and the 4th and 5th graders thought they were so cool because they could totally PROVE IT.  And like that other time I quoteunquote “played the lead” in the Camp Shalom production of Grease, but I was Danny Zuko and not Sandy. Guess whose hair once again did not flow? Take a wild guess!

Do I look like a man or am I so talented? Is it because I have hairy arms or because I sing exactly like Aileen Quinn in Annie? Am I hearing something different than the entire population of of Wisconsin? I know I sound demented when I sing into the tape recorder and play it back, but everyone including Aileen Quinn sounds demented when she listens to her own voice in the tape recorder. I bet you she does. Gentleman’s bet, because I spent all my money on a six foot inflatable palm tree. Also I can’t prove it.

If we were doing Annie would I be Annie or would I be quoteunquote “the lead” Daddy Warbucks? I have to admit Annie’s hair doesn’t flow. You would think Annie’s hair would flow because she is the real lead, but Annie’s hair is demented and that is the one and only reason a person should feel bad for her. Because she has like one million solos and she was on my birthday cake and instead of falling from that bridge and dying when Rooster and Mrs Hannigan stole her, she gets to hang out with Grace and be rich for the rest of her life and probably sing two hundred million more solos that haven’t even been invented yet.

FORTUNATELY Annie, you get to be famous and have a bald rich dad. UNFORTUNATELY Annie, you have a demented hairdo. Maybe you can grow it out.




13 comments… add one

  • anna whiston-donaldson July 2, 2014, 9:43 am

    I’m glad we all grew out of our demented hairdos. I bet Annie did too. Love this post! Although it did give me a little PTSD about playing Tiny Tim in the 1980 church basement production of A Christmas Carol.

  • Ellen July 2, 2014, 10:00 am

    Hahahaha! Sorry, I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you. My sister was John Adams in 1776. We think it was because we had recently moved to NY from Massachusetts and her Boston accent made her sound more authentic.

  • Wendi July 2, 2014, 10:33 am

    Abraham Lincoln. Because I was the tallest kid in the 3rd grade. UNFORTUNATELY.

  • MommyTime July 2, 2014, 11:35 am

    How much do I love the grade-school columnist? So much I can hardly contain myself. This is perfection. FORTUNATELY I often had the lead in the school play. UNFORTUNATELY I was never sure if it was because I could act or because my mother would make all the costumes for free–even when it was Pride and Prejudice and there were five daughters and a mother and three acts and that’s a lot of dresses to sew for free.

  • Andrea @ Maybe It's Just Me July 2, 2014, 1:00 pm

    Didn’t even make chorus in 4th grade because when the teacher asked me to sing lower, I didn’t know she meant my lowest, as I totally would’ve nailed that…songbird that I was! Come on now! Danny Zuko’s hair sort of flowed, but just in the front! ;)

  • Shannon July 2, 2014, 4:26 pm

    Also Abraham Lincoln here. And John the Baptist. My music teacher gave me speaking parts so that I wouldn’t sing and my voice was too low to be a girl with flowy hair, according to aforementioned music teacher.

  • sacha July 2, 2014, 7:39 pm

    Charlie in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. ‘Nuf said.

  • Liz @ ewmcguire July 3, 2014, 6:45 am

    I can’t prove it, but you are quoteunquote one of the funniest people ever!

  • Jenni July 3, 2014, 8:35 am

    I feel your pain as the one who ALWAYS Bosley in childhood games of Charlie’s Angels. Totally wrong, not flowing hair. I got to play an angel once because I wore my itchy green school cardigan on my head and tossed it around (I wish I was making this up). I had mad, thick curls which grew out before they grew down (eventually. In my 20s).
    PS: love your blog and watching the shows. Truly fabulous stuff! Thank you.

  • Joanna Jenkins July 6, 2014, 6:45 pm

    Hysterical. Again.
    “…but I was Danny Zuko and not Sandy.”
    xo jj

  • Suzy Soro (@HotComesToDie) July 6, 2014, 9:59 pm

    You led me down a primrose path. I was CERTAIN you were going to mention you should have played Annie because DUH YOU HAD THE SAME NAME.

  • Jen July 8, 2014, 11:15 am

    Truer words were never spoken. As the lead of Annie myself, my hair was demented. Also that color was not a good look for me at all, and wigs are super itchy. Who knew? Sending you so much love grade school columnist. I worshipped Aileen Quinn as well. Didn’t everyone? Or just us two Sconnie girls?

  • Sidney February 24, 2017, 6:53 pm

    Oh yes FORTUNATELY I got the lead in Snow White (snow white) UNFORTUNATELY you are a bright blonde with long hair and had to cut it all off and dye it black… Was their a flowing hair moment? Only walking in to a hair salon on a windy day.

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