BY THE GRADE SCHOOL COLUMNIST!!!
Remember that book Fortunately or Unfortunately that Miss Ross read? How first something seems good but then it turns out totally bog as in bogus? Like “FORTUNATELY you get a free hot air balloon ride!! UNFORTUNATELY you land in the middle of the ocean and there are sharks and no Isaac waiting for you on the Lido Deck.”
I finally got the lead in the Camp Shalom play but the play is called Hair and it’s about pollution? FORTUNATELY I have the lead. UNFORTUNATELY I play a man named Burger as in Hamburger. I get to sing solos but they aren’t pretty where your hair flows behind you in your mind. They are about Carbon Monoxide and wearing a pantsuit and holding a picket sign.
FORTUNATELY I am the lead. UNFORTUNATELY I play a boy again. Like when I played the Pied Piper of Hamlin and Amy Lemburg played her recorder off stage while I pretended to play recorder on stage, but sometimes I forgot to fake it and she kept playing and the 4th and 5th graders thought they were so cool because they could totally PROVE IT. And like that other time I quoteunquote “played the lead” in the Camp Shalom production of Grease, but I was Danny Zuko and not Sandy. Guess whose hair once again did not flow? Take a wild guess!
Do I look like a man or am I so talented? Is it because I have hairy arms or because I sing exactly like Aileen Quinn in Annie? Am I hearing something different than the entire population of of Wisconsin? I know I sound demented when I sing into the tape recorder and play it back, but everyone including Aileen Quinn sounds demented when she listens to her own voice in the tape recorder. I bet you she does. Gentleman’s bet, because I spent all my money on a six foot inflatable palm tree. Also I can’t prove it.
If we were doing Annie would I be Annie or would I be quoteunquote “the lead” Daddy Warbucks? I have to admit Annie’s hair doesn’t flow. You would think Annie’s hair would flow because she is the real lead, but Annie’s hair is demented and that is the one and only reason a person should feel bad for her. Because she has like one million solos and she was on my birthday cake and instead of falling from that bridge and dying when Rooster and Mrs Hannigan stole her, she gets to hang out with Grace and be rich for the rest of her life and probably sing two hundred million more solos that haven’t even been invented yet.
FORTUNATELY Annie, you get to be famous and have a bald rich dad. UNFORTUNATELY Annie, you have a demented hairdo. Maybe you can grow it out.