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The Children Ate My Gratitude

“Mom? Can I have one?”

I looked up from my computer, expecting to see Nine holding the pack of gum I keep in my purse, or the new bag of potato chips from the pantry. He had nothing in his hands.

“One of what?” I asked, peering around my computer screen.

He pointed down on my desk to a small silver box originally intended to hold playing cards. It had once belonged to my Grandma Jo.

“Seven had one,” He continued.

“What do you mean, he had one?” I asked, no closer to understanding what my son was begging for, nor why he’d interrupted my work.

“He ate one yesterday.” Nine opened the box and started reaching inside. I shooed him away.

“Son, that’s paper. Your brother ate paper?? We don’t eat paper.”

“But he had one!” Nine’s pincers aimed again toward the tiny strips of paper inside the silver box.

You see, on my therapist’s advice, I had taken to practicing gratitude—practicing gratitude. Not just feeling grateful, but making it an active verb. So I took a self-help book suggestion, creating a box to stow the names of people or things that made me feel grateful. When I remembered to, I took a moment to jot down a little gift from my day in the name of a helpful colleague, dear friend, or one of my idols doing their part to nudge me along my path. I wrote mini prayers of thanks like “working body,” “warm house,” or “dark chocolate with sea salt,” on slivers of Post It notes, and added them to the box. After some days, the box contained a veritable potpourri of slips of paper extolling my loved ones, happy places, and peaceful moments. Maybe snack mix is a better metaphor, considering that my children had, apparently, been noshing on them.

The children ate my gratitude.


Having already eaten all of my bread, cereal, peanut butter, ice cream, minutes, patience, and sleep, one by one the boys were snacking on their nana, my mentor Deb, above zero windchills, their daddy, my girlfriends, dry martinis, our housecleaners, and my sanity. Over the years, I’ve pried coins, Legos, and marbles from my kids’ mouths, but with a seven and a nine year old, I assumed us safely past that stage. The boys dress themselves, and siren songs from the bathroom no longer define my days. Seven creates custom rainbow loom action figures, and Nine graduated into the Black Belt training program that requires a uniform complete with an adult-protection apparatus, not to mention nun chucks. They still play legos, improvising spoken dialogue, and like me to sing to them at night (as they tackle each other and argue, while I scream BODIES TO YOURSELVES in between lines of “Goodnight Irene”).  Their made-up jokes and curious questions fill us up far more than they deplete us (unless you count rides to extra-curricular activities, money, or arguments over Minecraft minutes).

“Son,” I told him. “You guys are old enough to know not to eat paper. The answer is no, and don’t ask me again.

They didn’t ask me again. Only just the other day I noticed the lid of Grandma Jo’s box ajar, and “cucumber eye cream” dangling precariously over the side. Who or what got plucked from their bed of silver and deposited into my kids’ esophagi, I’ll never know. Just in case, I sat down and added a new “Seven” and a “Nine” to the collection.

I think I’ll go count my blessings.


Speaking of… Madison-area folks, I hope you’ll join me Sunday, March 23, 2014 from 2:30 – 3:30 pm at the  Natural Parenting Expo for a special performance!


The Children Ate My Gratitude: Parenting Humor with Ann Imig” (followed by Q&A) | Join award-winning local humorist Ann Imig for parenting commiseration of the best kind–nodding. laughing, and best of all, sitting uninterrupted for sixty minutes on your duff. After Ann reads to you, she will not provide snack nor tuck you in, but she will answer questions about blogging, humor, and writing.

Please note: This event is running concurrently with the Parenting Expo – but is ticketed separately – you must purchase the ADD-ON event ticket in addition to your Expo ticket to attend both the presentation and the Expo.  Fee is $8 per person.

Huge thanks to the Natural Parenting Expo for the invitation!! Find them on Facebook, and buy your ticket today!

11 comments… add one

  • Alexandra February 5, 2014, 12:06 pm

    Sunday March 23! I”m FREE! Can’t miss this. See you then, Ann. Good Luck! But I know, it’s going to be great. (love that this is happening)

  • tracey becker February 5, 2014, 12:21 pm

    Gonna try again:

    When my boys were about 4 and 7, I found a pile of (don’t throw up) dried boogers on my couch’s arm. I freaked out (of course) and questioned each individually. First child denied it so vehemently that I believed him and accused second child. When I asked second child “Whose boogers are these? I know they’re yours!” he bluntly responded with “Not mine; I eat my boogers.”

    Moral of the story: be glad they’re only eating your gratitude.

  • tracy@sellabitmum February 5, 2014, 6:04 pm

    Awww – this is all sorts of awesome and love.

  • Brandi Dunagan February 6, 2014, 5:30 am

    Hey at least now you can have an excuse when you completely lose it. Worked with the dog and homework in elementary?

  • Melisa February 6, 2014, 6:14 am

    They aren’t even teenagers yet. First your gratitude…then your small appliances?? *shudder*

  • WEndi February 6, 2014, 8:52 am

    Love this. And I wish I could see your speech!

  • Becky February 6, 2014, 11:21 am

    I hope I was eaten! xoxo

  • Andrea February 6, 2014, 6:41 pm

    Oh my gosh! Did you try one? I might’ve had to…probably the sea salt one.

  • dusty earth mother February 6, 2014, 8:46 pm

    That is just plain awesome.

  • Miss Worrell February 11, 2014, 9:53 am

    This is so funny. I can actually see my daughter doing this.. she sneak and eats just about everything I try to hide!

    xoxo, Anni

  • heidi February 11, 2014, 6:23 pm

    Okay, first: Loving the new look here! Gorgeous! As is the photo of you!
    Second: This is super funny and ridiculously adorable. It makes me want to squish my kids. Great, great post.

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