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The Virgin Mary is 3 weeks post-partum and has some questions for you.

Joseph thinks my “Get ‘em clean Nazarenes” hand-washing station is in poor taste. I think touching a savior-baby with donkey hands is in poor taste. AmIrite?

See also: When I politely reminded the Myrrh-man to cough into his elbow instead of all over the son of God.

Joseph practically rolled over Our Savior the other night, and Jesus hates the Moses basket. Now what?

I know it’s a little early for a schedule, but how am I supposed to teach Jesus to self-soothe if everyone harmonizes his name constantly?

I need help with my Jesus Burrito. Everything went fine until the nurses left and I had to swaddle Jesus myself. MIL says I wrap him too tight and he’ll become bow-legged. (Note: Bow-leggedness does not interfere with Jewish carpentry).

That reminds me. Anyone know if water-walking is normal at 13 days? #NoReasonJustAsking

The Angel Gabriel from heaven came, and neglected to mention anything about stretch marks.

O little town of Bethlehem, away in a manger means we have no place for your casseroles. Love you mean it.

Hosannah Heysannah HelpMeRhonda: I need a month of Messiah-free sleep, WiFi and a latte. Amen.

27 comments… add one

  • tracy@sellabitmum January 9, 2013, 7:53 am

    ‘Jesus Burrito’ OHMYGAH

  • Suzy January 9, 2013, 8:52 am

    “Anyone know if water-walking is normal at 13 days?”

    So funny.

    Also, apparently Jesus is Lord. I saw it on the Internet.

  • Becky January 9, 2013, 9:05 am

    Oh my little baby Jesus, you went there you gutsy Jew you.

  • Pearl January 9, 2013, 9:13 am

    That’s the best thing I’ve read in days. :-)

    Pearl

  • Heather January 9, 2013, 9:28 am

    Ann….stop it. It hurts. This much funny hurts.

    xo

  • Holli January 9, 2013, 9:43 am

    I actually wrote a poem not that long ago imagining Mary parenting the infant Jeez. (I can call him Jeez, I go to church so we’re TIGHT.) http://awonderingspirit.blogspot.com/2012/11/hail.html Anywho, yours is way better than mine. Way better. Dying at the Jesus Burrito.

  • Wendi January 9, 2013, 9:51 am

    Thank goodness she’s a virgin.

  • anymommy January 11, 2013, 4:37 pm

    Well, it’s not like that saved her any pain on the EXIT. Just like a man to mess with the EASY part and be all, no, sorry, hun, that miracle baby you’ve got there is going to have to come out the old fashion way.

  • Stephanie Precourt January 9, 2013, 11:15 am

    Oh my goodness.

    Steph

  • Anna See January 9, 2013, 12:00 pm

    Holy Moly this is hilarious. Brilliant!

  • Andrea January 9, 2013, 12:36 pm

    I couldn’t decide if I was going to click the button to read this, or wait a little bit and perhaps grab some chocolate and a cup of tea to really get my full enjoyment on…um, yeah, so glad I didn’t have a mouthful of anything HI-larious!!!!!!!

  • Roshni AaMom January 9, 2013, 3:09 pm

    Hilarious!!! But, I’m stunned that she had her MIL with her! Wasn’t that why they traveled away from Nazareth to Bethlehem?!! :P

  • jenny_o January 9, 2013, 9:46 pm

    Excellent :)

  • yourfriendrobin January 10, 2013, 4:53 am

    #NoReasonJustAsking was pure comedian genius

  • Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac January 10, 2013, 8:32 am

    You are brilliant, AmIrite?!?

  • Lady Jennie January 10, 2013, 11:42 am

    Your title alone had me giggling.

  • Logical Libby January 10, 2013, 12:30 pm

    This is great. The best baby Jesus joke I could come up with involved “Silent Night.” Yep, I’m a hack.

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  • dusty earth mother January 11, 2013, 9:03 am

    Would love to taste a Bethlehem casserole. SO funny.

  • The Flying Chalupa January 11, 2013, 4:25 pm

    HelpMeRhonda – sweet baby Jesus, this was awesome. To be honest, I’d like to see The Virgin Mary Post-Partum do stand-up.

    LOVED THIS.

  • designHER Momma January 11, 2013, 7:12 pm

    give yourself a few days grace. Swaddling the savior takes some technique. You’ll get it…

    xo
    love…

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  • When I Blink January 14, 2013, 2:49 pm

    [giggle]

    You are twisted. And I like it.

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  • Leigh Ann January 19, 2013, 11:25 am

    I’m sure even Mary wanted to run screaming from the inn when she couldn’t get Jesus to sleep after his 3am feeding. We are not alone.

  • Johnnypsmom February 25, 2013, 6:57 pm

    That is HILARIOUS!!! The burrito wrap always fails when the professionals leave.

  • Liza Krystal June 12, 2013, 6:01 am

    I simply adore you, your honesty, and your integrity. My heart did a little somersault when I read this for so many reasons, none of which I can properly articulate here. gout in ankle

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