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How To Make Friends 5-year-old Boy style:

Hi, I’m 38. Are you 38? (Turns to Husband) Honey, she’s 38!

I like your shirt. Want to come to Florida with us?

Are those muscles or boobs?

I’m so strong I can pick you up. Sorry if that hurt, but I told you I was going to pick you up.

How many Moogers do you have? How many Beys? Can I go home with you?

Is your name Aiden? How about I just call you Aiden.

Repeat after me: What’s your name? What color is the sky? What’s the opposite of up?… NO. I mean answer the questions. What’s your name? What color is the sky? NO during the day. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY BLUE. What is the opposite of up? NO you’re supposed to say up. I HATE YOU.

Want to see my card trick? Pick a card. Now let me see the card. Now give me the card. Was this your card?

This is boring. Can we go now? Can we GO? You’re mean. Can I have a piggy back ride?

Hi. Do you want to be Iron Man? Because you can’t be Iron Man. I’m Iron Man.

My favorite song is Onion Gunyon Style. He says a bad word. I’m going to whisper it in your ear: (shouts) HE SAYS SUCKSY LADY. Sorry I didn’t mean to spit on your ear. Apologize.

Say CUP. No SAY cup. Oh, sorry sorry sorry I mean spell CUP. You said pee. I’m telling.

Your breath smells really bad. Like coffee. Can you go over there?


If you’re one of those adventurous “travel with your kids types,” check out my post at Scary Mommy’s today wherein I give you the top 10 places to take your kids (that you can tolerate for at least one hour) in Madison, Wisconsin. Three places feature ice cream, because our state motto is “Forward” which is short for “Forward, yonder waffle cone!”

25 comments… add one

  • yourfriendrobin November 7, 2012, 7:20 am

    Onion Gunyan style! The kids at my school ask me every day if we can dance that. Hmmm… no.

    My four year old boy always “lets” me be the bad guy spiderman and “brenky” since he wants to be good guy spiderman and the hulk.

  • highlyirritable November 7, 2012, 8:20 am

    Do you like parties? Everybody likes parties. You can come to my birthday party. It’s gonna be a Chuck’s Cheese’s. I’m gonna tell my mom. MOMIWANTANNATMYPARTY. Okay? Okay? You’re coming. It’s at Chuck’s Cheese’s.

  • Suzy November 7, 2012, 8:25 am


  • Shannon November 7, 2012, 9:34 am

    Do you spend a lot of time inside the mind of a five year old boy? Because you nailed this one.
    Sometimes I think the five year old boys have this making friends thing all figured out.

  • Ann Imig November 7, 2012, 1:41 pm

    I spend a lot of time living with one.

  • inmadison November 7, 2012, 9:42 am

    Combined with a four-year-old’s pick-up lines: “Mom, when do I get those giant things on the front of your chest?”

  • Anna See November 7, 2012, 9:47 am

    Ha Ha! LOVED this. Seems you can peg a 5 yr old boy just as well as a middle school girl.

  • Wendi November 7, 2012, 12:09 pm

    Now I wish my boys were 5 again.


  • Becky November 7, 2012, 12:12 pm

    Loved this! I also think we should show our emotions like 5 year olds. Oh wait, some of us do.(Donald Trump I’m looking at you…)

  • LceeL November 7, 2012, 3:06 pm

    #2 Son: But I want one!!!

    Son, you’re only 5 years old. You can’t have a .50 caliber Desert Eagle.

    #2 Son: But I won’t shoot nobody.

    Anybody. I won’t shoot anybody. And I’m not worried about that. I’m afraid you’d shoot it and the recoil would throw the gun back into your head and kill you.

    #2 Son: Oh. Okay. Can I have a .22?

    Go ask your mother.

  • Leigh Ann November 7, 2012, 9:57 pm

    Hey! What you doing? You going home? Why you going home? You were at school? Why you at school? Wanna come to my party???

    The card trick…hilarious.

  • Martha Rule November 8, 2012, 2:57 am

    Why are kids obsessed with picking each other up?! I don’t remember that. And I hope my little dude never stops telling people their breath sounds stinky.

  • Stephanie Precourt November 8, 2012, 4:28 am

    Oh gosh. And here I was initially thinking this would help me make friends out here, you know boys well. Makes me smile, they are the best.


  • Jessica Watson November 8, 2012, 6:27 am

    Oh this is so my boys, especially asking you to do or say something and then telling you how to do it. Love my boys.

  • Nota Bene November 8, 2012, 6:39 am

    In future when I’m at conferences and social gatherings I’m going to adopt this technique…must be a winner!

  • Andrea November 8, 2012, 6:53 am

    How about candy? Does anybody have candy? Does your mom let you drink soda, mine doesn’t so can we have some soda?

  • Lora November 8, 2012, 8:23 am

    This is the truest thing I’ve ever seen on the internet ever. Love it!

  • Lady Jennie November 8, 2012, 9:06 am

    He seems to carry some middle school columnist genes.

  • Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac November 8, 2012, 9:57 am

    Oh this was perfect! Thanks for the laughs and the earworm. Hey sucksy lady…

  • julie gardner November 8, 2012, 11:09 am

    I’m pretty sure my mom will let me go to Florida with you.

  • The Flying Chalupa November 8, 2012, 4:40 pm

    What are Moogers and Beys? I’M DYING HERE!

    I’m going to ask for a piggy back ride at BlogHer. Sucksy Lady.

  • dusty earth mother November 8, 2012, 7:50 pm

    You said pee. I’m telling. hehehehehehehe

  • lostandforgotten November 9, 2012, 5:40 pm

    I miss the days of being friends with someone just because they have the same name or age as you!

  • Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog November 12, 2012, 1:31 pm

    Hee hee… Very accurate, Ann. I mean, this is the EXACT conversation we had in San Diego. Did you record us?

  • imissyouwheniblink.com November 18, 2012, 9:46 pm

    This made me spit beer on my dog laughing.

    I mean, I was laughing, not the dog. And I was spitting the beer. The dog was just sitting there. (The dog can’t read.)

    Such a hoot.

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