By YOUR GRADE SCHOOL COLUMNIST REPORTING FROM PO BOX MADISON WISCONSIN 53705!
Play Jacks. If one falls down the vent you can still smell the ball.
Line up your dolls and play guardian ad litem.
Make a toilet potion using cleaning stuff in the bathroom cupboard. Talk in the mirror about how a years supply of Glade makes a lovely parting gift. Squint your eyes and pretend you have freckles like Veronica at camp. Everyone calls her V. Remember to tell everyone at school to start calling you V, since she doesn’t go to your school anyway so same diff.
Make up a commercial in the mirror for Natural Nature Drink which used to be known as water.
When someone knocks on the bathroom and screams WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE GET OUT OF THERE go in your bedroom and imagine your funeral until you cry for real. Run to your bedroom mirror to see if you cry beautiful like Sue Ellen on Dallas. Pretend to take off earrings and talk on the phone. Add more stickers to your mirror.
When you get forced to go outside, play 7-up against the house. You can add moves to make it accelerated advanced. Come back inside and invite everyone to come see your accelerated advanced 7-up moves or hear you sing Dumb Dog Why Are You Following Me from Annie the movie version. When no one comes, you can still crouch down just like Aileen Quinn in the movie and act out Dumb Dog Why Are Your Following Me using your Dumb Disney trash can.
Do a Chef Tell cooking show, but don’t throw the applesauce in the air with one bowl and try to catch it in the other bowl, unless you want to get charged your allowance again. Instead make Deviled Eggs—a fancy snack for people who like things like Deviled Eggs. Take a boiled egg and cut it in half and sprinkle paprika on it. Knock on Dan and Amy and Rachel’s doors and ask if they’d like a Deviled Egg or Natural Nature Drink.
When everyone screams GO AWAY, go back to your own room and think about how you can get on Star Search if no one will even give you a ride to Hebrew School. Maybe you should go on Puttin On The Hitz instead so you don’t have to worry about your voice going out of control. Your step-Grandpa is a dentist to the stars, so maybe he can help your career. Don’t forget about the eggs again or you will get charged allowance.
Go cupboard searching in the kitchen. One time you found an entire bag of Holiday Mix candy. It was gross but it was still candy.
Read your Dynamites again. Read your Hot Dogs again. Peel your wallpaper some, but only a little so you won’t get busted. Fall asleep and dream of a land that is less boring where people let you in their rooms for infinity.
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