July, 2, 2012, Ann Imig officially proclaimed July Learn to lift A (*&%$#@) Finger Month.
No, Not that finger.We know you can lift that finger, Dear Five, because you showed it to your Nana and then sheepishly covered it because “God sees everything.” [Note: Check Highlights and Johnny Test for fire and brimstone subliminal messaging].
WHO: You. Children. Future functioning members of society if society is still semi-functioning.
WHAT: A Litany of Fun. A month-long plus the rest of your youth celebration of phalange-exertion!
.5K Toys-Be-Gone walk/run/right now I mean it.
All-you-can eat Appropriate-choices Spaghetti Dinner! If you set the table and clear your plate!!
Unpack the groceries relay. Yes, relllay.
Cake walk. Your life has been one, now please bring a piece to Mommy.
Floor sweep. Beat the clock! I didn’t set it!!
Make your own bed station. With pillow toppings!!
Dunk the dinner table sponge!
Kitty box dig: Unearth the self-clumping treasures!
and yes, even…
Learn the ancient art of dishwasher arranging!
WHEN: All of a sudden and forever more. Or until the next time your mother reads a parenting commentary, suffers another inferiority spasm, and hemorrhages productivity.
WHERE: Under our roof, Wisconsin.
WHYYYYYY: Similar to the highly-successful Everyone Shares Everything or it All Goes to the Less-Fortunate Store Month of December 2007, the month’s festivities will include adjustments and concessions from all parties involved, with only the far-off promise of creating future well-adjusted humans/non-ingrates out of rudimentary boy parts.
Sorry and you’re welcome.