By your favorite high school columnist Ann Medusa Krinsky!!!!!
It’s valentines again, big whoop. I will probably get carnations in homeroom and they will definitely be from just friends. I’ll get a bunch of candy because duh I have four parents. I’m going to the dance with OH TAKE A WILD GUESS just a friend and I might as well cut my long hair off and see if anyone even notices.
Omigod what if I did.
Last weekend I went on a temple youth group retreat in Minnesota with Craig and made this girl Dara cry because I guess Craig kissed her recently or something. But then Craig and I are obviously so obviously together the entire weekend holding hands and hugging and Craig sitting on my lap. I pretty much made sure l was just like how Becky used to be with Craig at camp, and how Craig’s best girl friends are always so powerful you can’t possibly compete. He always has the prettiest girls as “best friends” and if you like him you can’t be pissed because they’re just friends. It sucks big time when you’re the new person that likes him (So sad too bad Dara), but it is magnificent when you finally get to be number one best friend like me.
But secretly this is the truth. I’ve spent many years making Craig like me and he just goes and kisses Dara because he wanted to. WHAT THE HELL? She never even tried and just appears one day as a Freshman, and he just goes and kisses her without her waiting for three years. Even if I had the power all weekend at a temple in Minnesota and made her cry with how amazingly close Craig and I are, she lives there in his real life and he kissed her just like that. She’s just like Marni and like every other boring girl in America. Except Ann Krinsky who waits so patiently for her turn and has to sleep on a board all summer after he practically broke you from giving him piggy back rides, and that he still hasn’t kissed.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Now there’s one thing I feel a tiny bit bad about. I invited Brad to the retreat and told him it was gonna be rad. Then I never talked to him or looked at him unless Craig’s arm was around me or he was braiding my hair. But remember, Brad rejected me for Carrie. Brad was one of the nerds turned cool that liked me when he was a nerd and then he got the lead in the musical and I liked him and we were together, and then we were making out on the couch and I told him how much I liked him and he ran out of the room like I was Medusa. He had a lame time at the retreat, but whatever he could’ve met some friends. I don’t know why he was just asleep in his sleeping bag by like 11:00 pm. Sorry Brad. If you didn’t treat me like a reject I would’ve been holding your hand and making Craig jealous during silent prayer.
That’s life in the big city as they say.
Before you start feeling so sad and imagining my funeral and how much everyone would miss me CRAIG and sob because they missed their chance CRAIG, and before you OOPS Brad upside the head I said OOPS upside your head for running out of the room like I was Medusa, I’m also in love with Joey. But I cannot even talk about that today because he is my brother’s camp friend and everyone is in love with him and he confuses my brain even more than Craig because he is in college. It is too real what we have and I cannot discuss it. I just can’t. Don’t ask me. Well, fine, but only in person if you sleep over next weekend. If you ever stop being grounded for calling your Mom a Jackass.
So Happy Valentine’s day from the forever never have a real boyfriend and always have to talk about boys at camp that you people probably think do not even exist, and practically don’t if you have to wait three years until they finally might kiss you because they sort of have to, and then run from the room like you are Medusa.
I’m going to go gnaw on my over-sized Hershey Kiss Valentine. I’ve got it down to almost a circle but I still can’t fit the whole thing in my mouth. Goodbye.
On Valentine’s Day the series “Battleground” premiers on Hulu. This is the show made by my extremely successful once-high school theater cohorts—neither Brad nor Craig nor Joey–and that I did a small role for (not until episode 8). You can read about the Madison connections here and how I play against type, and watch the trailer right here:
If you’re local, The Brink Lounge is screening the premier episode free to the public 2/14 at 7pm. See you there!