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Ann’s facebook ticker now with 70% more monotony!

For those of you  you there, Suzy Soro, not on facebook—it now has a scrolling feed with moment-by-moment updates of everything your “friends” are doing online—every link people click, articles they read and what they’re listening to online, and of course what they “like.” It’s only a matter of time before facebook starts monotony-harvesting directly from our brains…

Ann is dosing 5 chocolate chips because she’s heard that sucking slowly and mindfully on chocolate can be like methadone for sugar-addicts.

Ann is checking to see if anyone re-tweeted the thing she posted on Twitter about her feeling like a reptile after eating a hard-boiled egg.

Ann’s sense of humor “likes” the thing she posted about her feeling like a reptile after eating a hard-boiled egg.

Ann’s conscience is wondering if she shouldn’t have put all 5 chocolate chips in her mouth at once. She chewed the chocolate chips and now she can’t unchew them and mindfully suck on them until they dissolve. Ann wonders why she always messes with Universe of Chips.

Ann might remove that reptile/hard-boiled egg post from her stream. Ann knew she shouldn’t have used the word “scales” because reptiles don’t exactly have scales. Well they kind of do, but people associate scales with fish, so that is reason enough not to use the word scales. Ann was picturing herself as a snake, unhinging her mouth and gulping down the whole hard-boiled egg while under a heat lamp in her own little terrarium. Wait. Is a snake even a reptile? Ann is pre-google-reflex wondering if a snake is an amphibian.

Ann’s inner ear is listening to a song from Temple which sounds like it should be a Christian song because it involves the words “Great Mighty and Awesome God Supreme.” Ann is not so much listening to the music as trying to exfoliate it from her cerebellum. God Supreme sounds like such a special burger.

Now Ann is watching the words GREAT MIGHTY and AWESOME pop out of her head in individual cartouches. Ann learned the word “Cartouche” from a grade school art teacher she had one year named Anona. She remembers Anona because Anona also taught her the word palindrome. Dude, Anona is a palindrome.

Now Ann is remembering her creepy 7th grade art teacher who pulled her aside after class and asked her about her social life. The Middle School Columnist just popped into Ann’s brain saying What is a social life and why are you asking me this Mr. Hagen? I like how you draw trees but I hate standing here and I can’t even explain to myself why you’re freaking me out big time. If I’m late to Spanish, Sra. Perry is going to have a total cow. Please blink now, Mr. Hagen.

Ann just read the articles: permission slip, class newsletter, stare into space for 3 full minutes at a screen in your periphery.

Ann commented to herself on her own internal status: Well, that’s just dandy, Ann has 15 minutes left until pre-K pick up, no more chocolate chips, and no retweets about hardboiled eggs.

28 comments… add one

  • Suzy November 8, 2011, 4:16 pm

    But I am on Facebook. Only half way because I’m a genius.

  • Rene Foran November 8, 2011, 4:23 pm

    While staring at the white computer screen do you ever shut one eye and then the other and do the “screen is slightly down and to the right, screen is slightly up and to the left” thing? Or is that just me?

  • Roshni November 8, 2011, 5:11 pm

    I’ll take your updates… how do I load them onto my system!?!?

  • Cheryl November 8, 2011, 6:15 pm

    You can’t stop the scrolling but you can stop it from showing up in your feed. I’ve found having that scrolly thingamig on the right makes it easy to ignore. Wouldn’t it be great if we could do that with our brains? Mine sure could use a break. Especially when I’m trying to sleep. Or during sex.

  • MommyTime November 8, 2011, 8:08 pm

    I. Love. You. This is so much better than the actual monotony ticker on FB, which I just find distracting.

    Also, I am pretty well convinced that a lot of people have either a) abandoned FB due to its new-and-improved heightened hideousness factor; b) blocked me from seeing their status updates because they are completely sick of seeing my updates, which they always thought were stupid anyway and didn’t have the guts to do anything about it, but now they do because they could just blame it on the new system; c) actually not disappeared at all, but due to the fact that my FB stream now contains 99% more nonsense, I can’t see the actually relevant posts that I care about. Because the short version of my problem is that I see far less diversity in terms of who posts any more, and also I get far fewer comments on any post I put up, thanks to this “improved” system.

    So, thanks a lot FB for making me feel even less connected than before. Awesome improvement.

    {This rant brought to you by my FB stream, now with 75% more drivel.}

  • tracy@sellabitmum November 8, 2011, 9:50 pm

    I love you. And I hope Suzy never leaves my twitter stream.

  • Becky November 9, 2011, 8:47 am

    But! How is your Klout?

  • mark @ yelling near you November 9, 2011, 10:24 am

    Don’t forget that Facebook knows what is best for us. Always. And when it doesn’t, Google does. The future is like Tron crossed with The Lawnmower Man.

  • The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful November 9, 2011, 11:57 am

    Shannon just itched her head and her ganglia worried she might have caught lice from her 2nd grade daughter.

  • Tonya November 9, 2011, 12:52 pm

    Obviously, I am friends with all the wrong folks on FB because these are updates I could totally relate to!

    And really is there any other way to enjoy a hard boiled egg than pretending to be a snake? Awesome!

  • Kizz November 9, 2011, 3:33 pm

    Am I the only one wondering if this is what it would sound like if Tyler Durden joined Facebook?

  • heather November 9, 2011, 3:47 pm

    Heather was just sitting here putting off three deadlines while wondering if she should eat gummy worms or pumpkin flavored marshmallows.

    Heather is now wondering who thought of pumpkin flavored ones. why not egg nog?

    Heather feels sick after thinking about egg nog.

    Heather loves Ann Imig.

  • The Flying Chalupa November 9, 2011, 5:14 pm

    I think you’re referencing ME not Suzy, because I am not even fully on Facebook although this post just might make me join so I can access your chocolate-laden stream-of-consciousness.

    Also, I think investing in a heat lamp this winter is a good idea.

    And, the Chalupa wants me to tell you that a snake is a reptile.

    And that the hard-boiled egg tweet was funny.

  • Pam November 9, 2011, 11:17 pm

    This is Ann’s Center…which is waaaaay funnier than Sports Center. Or Dance Center. Or most things I’ve read today.

  • The Empress November 10, 2011, 6:51 am

    This was wonderful.

    And I want to do it.

    And now I have to fully engage on FB.

    And my stream of consciousness would really cause a concern to some people.

    So, yeah, no: maybe I don’t want to do this after all.

    But you doing it was wonderful.

    It should be a meme.

    There should be cool memes.

  • Eva Gallant November 10, 2011, 9:27 am

    You are so funny! I snack on chocolate chips occasionally, too! I just stopped by from SITS to say hello; hope you will do the same.

  • Wendi November 10, 2011, 11:48 am

    God sounds like a special burger.

    You seriously need to send that song title to Amy Grant.

  • Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac November 10, 2011, 1:27 pm

    A cerebellum exfoliater…million-dollar idea!!

  • ♥ Braja November 10, 2011, 6:02 pm

    Great, now I have to read everyone’s stream of consciousness??!!

    Someone oughtta blow Twitter up….

    I think for once I agree with Suzy Soro :)

  • dusty earth mother November 10, 2011, 7:57 pm

    Your monotony-harvest is more interesting than the real FB feed. But that really really doesn’t surprise me.

  • Seeking Elevation November 11, 2011, 11:34 pm

    I promised myself I wasn’t going to participate in FB after the change, because of the stupid ticker. And yet. . .

  • lostandforgotten November 12, 2011, 8:07 am

    Ha. My statuses wouldn’t be nearly as funny t smart. They would revolve heavily around food however.

  • Life with Kaishon November 13, 2011, 10:23 pm

    This was too funny. I hate that ticker thing! Can we make it go away? Is there an option for that?

  • The Mommy Therapy November 14, 2011, 7:24 am

    All I can think about is that you have now shaken my certainty that a snake is a reptile. It’s clearly a reptile, right? It’s like the poster animal for reptile.

    Love your ticker.

    FB ticker, not your heart. Not that I don’t love your heart. I’m sure it’s wonderful.

  • Elizabeth @claritychaos November 14, 2011, 10:38 am

    I love your brain.

  • Loukia November 14, 2011, 11:22 pm

    Well I am so glad this is the last post I read before falling askeep because it made me smile, and laugh. And you’re just freaking hilarious!

  • Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog November 15, 2011, 7:28 am

    Ann is not as crazy as she appears.

    Well, she is.

    But that’s why we love her. We love the crazy.

  • Jett Superior November 15, 2011, 5:30 pm

    Ann is steeped to the eyeballs in funny.

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