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Ann’s First Hate Mail!

 

(real email, received 9/26/11)

Hello,

I would like to ask you to please never write for CollegeHumor.com again. Not to be offensive, as I’m sure you’re a better writer than I, but can we drop the “humorist” part of the “stay at home humorist” slogan? I’m sure you’re very witty and maybe even slightly humorous at times, but the CollegeHumor demographic is not your forte. Not even a little bit. Should you doubt me, a quick trip to the comments of your September 15th article, “My Eighth Grade Recital: I’m Not Going to Cry This Time.”  I go to CollegeHumor to find low brow pictures and unsophisticated, yet funny articles. I’m not quite sure of what your article was trying to do, but it appears to have missed its mark widely. In summary, please stay to the articles on motherhood, which is a subject that is about as far away from the CollegeHumor demographic as well….the recitals of eighth grade girls.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Dan ***ker

ESEC/TIP Teacher Dan ***ker

[ a lot of identifying information to contact his employer with ]
P. R. China

***

Hello!

Thank you for reading and reflecting on my September 15th article “My Eighth Grade Recital: I’m Not Going to Cry This Time” at CollegeHumor.com, and especially for taking the time to then click on my profile, click to my website, find my email and truth-tell me so so good.

Your timing is uncanny. Did you even know the Jewish New Year is upon us? The doors are closing, Dan ***ker and the time for forgiveness and repentance awaits. Of course you did not mean to offend me, Dan. For everyone knows that a “no offense” qualifier clause adds courtesy and denies a person any exceptionable response to even the crappiest sentiment—like adding “Just Kidding!” after “I don’t think I ever loved you.”

Anyway, who can blame you for being upset about my “slogan”-emblazoned right there upon the masthead of my personal website–that you took the time out of your busy fostering-of-students schedule to visit today? Humorist HAH! If that isn’t some inexcusable creative license-taking on my part, well I don’t know what is. May I apologize for my banner hubris, and then may I suggest “shenanigans” as a conciliatory gesture? As my body will fast on Yom Kippur—the upcoming Day of Atonement—so shall my banner rend her slogan, drop her humorist façade, and become the Stay-at-home-shenanagist. In Hebrew we say Mea culpa mea culpa mea maxima culpa!

I wish I could stop here and ask for your funny-barometer mercy, Dan Wanker, but then there is that whole issue of the CollegeHumor.com demographic that is not my forte. Honestly, Dan, ever since toddlerhood I’ve considered funny humans age 18-34 with penises my forte, and I’m thankful someone finally called me on my bullshit. I mean if the editors who asked me to be a regular contributor weren’t going to step-up, than for God’s sake let ESEC/TIP Teacher Dan, spokesman for all 15,000 people who read my article—nay spokesman for all 300 million CollegeHumor.com views–show me that mark and where I missed it widely. If you could see me now, I’m tearing my clothes and pounding my chest over the content I so audaciously copied into that form inviting anyone with an account to contribute, which collegehumor.com then used to pollute that space where your low brow pictures and unsophisticated, yet funny articles should’ve been. Webspace is finite, and I took up some of yours.

Dan, you might not realize this but I think of you as a warrior. I’ve never gotten a letter like this before, and maybe the hundreds of thousands of other people who’ve read my humor writing online lack the expertise and generosity to reach out and guide me like a true teacher does. Think about the 14,999 others who read my CollegeHumor article. Perhaps some others read a few lines, scoffed, and went on with their day. Only a man with a true love of learning—and a demigod of funny articles and not the recitals of 8th grade girls–would sacrifice his very valuable and expensive screen time today to lend me his unique expertise of what is humor, what is not, and where the surely very witty and maybe even slightly humorous are not welcome.

Thank you, Dan Focker. May the new year be a sweet one for you and yours. May you be inscribed in the book of life and also in those esteemed and far away Articles Of Motherhood.

You’re welcome.

–Ann

74 comments… add one

  • The Empress September 27, 2011, 8:30 am

    My mouth is hanging open.

    NO WAY.

    There are people like this in the world???

    The effort, the energy, the need, for him to let you know what he thinks.

    So very sad.

    You know where I stand on your writing, don’t you?

    I don’t think you bleed red when you cut yourself, like the rest of us.

    You are SOOOOPER human with your ideas that are things I’d never think of.

    Really. Ann. Really.

    You are amazing.

    I say that, even without Mr Focker’s letter above.

  • Sarah Miller September 27, 2011, 8:36 am

    What? WHAT.

  • Kristine September 27, 2011, 8:37 am

    He sounds really professional about the manner in which he acts unprofessional.

  • Theresa September 27, 2011, 8:39 am

    You nailed the response Ann. Outstanding.

  • Juli September 27, 2011, 8:40 am

    You haven’t made it until you receive hate mail. Mazel tov!

  • ExtraordinaryMommy September 27, 2011, 8:49 am

    Brilliant, as alwys my friend.

    Ohhhhh…. and HUMOROUS. (Because, really? You could have just told him to take a hike) I’m so mad you are taking that out of your…what’s it called? A ‘slogan’? *wink* NEVER.

    You rock. And I adore you.

  • Sherry Carr-Smith @prCarrS September 27, 2011, 8:57 am

    Perfect response. And you can take up my internet space any time.

  • Cheryl September 27, 2011, 9:17 am

    I don’t know what bothers me more ~ that Dan-o wrote this at all or that he wrote it about my most favorite reads on your blog: The Middle School Columnist.

    When I count my blessings at night, I count her among them. When I ask the Universe to provide help to those I care about, I always ask this: “As much as I love TMSC, please don’t let Ann get stuck at 14 because her children need her so very much.”

  • Wendi September 27, 2011, 9:20 am

    What does ESEC/TIP stand for, anyway? Let’s guess:

    Evil Sucky Emails Cause Tinier Idiot Penis

    I say yes.

  • Jill September 27, 2011, 9:23 am

    You. Rock.

  • Kate Coveny Hood September 27, 2011, 9:25 am

    I’m a little too biased in my own humor preferences to objectively respond to this… But honestly – a letter? Going out of your way to criticize someone just for the hell of it? I don’t get it. Never did – never will.

  • gradydoctor September 27, 2011, 9:32 am

    I find you funny as hell. But then, I’m a forty year-old soccer mom so take that with a grain of salt. . . .

  • RottenMom September 27, 2011, 9:39 am

    Bravo.
    Dan Fcuker has been owned.

  • hokgardner September 27, 2011, 9:47 am

    You have officially made it. All I ever get is the comment urging men to boycott dating American women.

  • Marinka September 27, 2011, 9:51 am

    I’m too jealous that you got hate mail while I remain Universally Adored (in my own mind) to even comment. Which means war.

  • Neil September 27, 2011, 10:00 am

    My problem with you is not with College Humor but with you writing about motherhood. What makes you such an expert? Do you have a degree? You’re always ranting and telling stories about being a mother, but do you think that having a child gives you permission to say that you know what you’re talking about? What arrogance! Stick with your forte — boys and men 14-35, and leave mothering stories to those of us who have thoroughly researched the subject.

  • Pearl September 27, 2011, 10:03 am

    THAT’S it. You’ve arrived, Ann. :-)

    Pearl

  • Johanna September 27, 2011, 10:16 am

    This is what comes from silly people with WAY to much time on their hands. L’Shana Tova Ann. You are a gifted writer wherever you happen to be published. What a dillweed.

  • Redneck Mommy September 27, 2011, 10:19 am

    I’m so proud. Sniff. You’re first hate mail. It’s like you’re all growed up.

  • Getrealmommy September 27, 2011, 10:28 am

    This is too much Ann. Mr. Wanker messed with the wrong woman!

  • oh, jenny mae September 27, 2011, 10:33 am

    this is hilarious…and i love the sweeney todd reference. mea maxima culpa, indeed!

  • Anna Lefler September 27, 2011, 10:42 am

    Okay, I feel partly responsible for this (you know why).

    That being said – the most important fact here, my dear, is that CollegeHumor came looking for YOU. I think they are, ultimately, the best judge of material for their site.

    (Sniff on that, Perfesser Wanker.)

    You’ve arrived, Ann. Bask in it.

    XO

    Anna

  • Joanie September 27, 2011, 10:47 am

    Love your rebuttal! Get him, Ann!

  • One Crafty Mother September 27, 2011, 10:49 am

    This. Is. Awesome.

    I had to read it three times — first in protective outrage, then in open-mouthed awe of your response, then in fits of giggles because this is DAMN FUNNY. Take that, Dan Wanker.

    “to pollute that space where your low brow pictures and unsophisticated, yet funny articles should’ve been. Webspace is finite, and I took up some of yours.” < -- this was my most favorite line of all.

    I’m taking notes, my friend.

    -xo

  • Jack September 27, 2011, 11:01 am

    Hate mail makes for great blog fodder, especially when they send you dead animals and suggest that if you don’t stop writing you might look like that too.

    Damn internet trolls.

  • MommyTime September 27, 2011, 11:26 am

    WOOT WOOT! You got your first hate mail. You have arrived in the Big Leagues, my dear.

  • Becky September 27, 2011, 11:56 am

    I’m forming the “I HATE DAN” club where I will be the President and appoint you, Ann, the secretary. All members to join, follow me.

    Also see, WTF!

  • bernthis September 27, 2011, 12:03 pm

    I remember the day I got my first “hate” comment telling me my mothering skills borderlined on the criminal and I should put my kid up for adoption.

    Nothing like a man who you’ve never met to tell you that you suck as a mother.

    However, you, my darling, are much more fortunate to have a man who is admittingly not funny telling you that you have zero sense of humor.

    From someone who takes great pride in being funny as well as a mother, I am truthfully jealous.

    I am also quite impressed by your response as you used some big words and it was funny and it was quite eloquent, oh and you brought up being Jewish (fist pump and Shana Tova).

    You are amazing!

  • Eileen September 27, 2011, 12:12 pm

    Hooray! All that’s left is for you to frame this and hang it up somewhere in your house. Your response is perfection. This makes me think of two of my favorite quotes: “Please yourself, and at least someone is pleased.” and “If you aren’t pissing someone off, you’re probably doing it wrong.” Well done, Ann! I heart you.

  • Suzy September 27, 2011, 12:31 pm

    If you don’t use *Stay-at-home-shenanagist* can I have it?

  • By Word of Mouth Musings September 27, 2011, 12:38 pm

    Sorry …
    Dan Who?
    ;)

  • Elizabeth @claritychaos September 27, 2011, 12:57 pm

    You’ve hit the big time, lady.

  • Elizabeth @claritychaos September 27, 2011, 12:59 pm

    P.S. So he’s saying you’re high brow and sophisticated? And possibly that he’s jealous that you’re published on CollegeHumor.com and his low brow, unsophisticated yet funny witticisms have been rejected?

    Seriously, who else would take the time to write, if not spurred on by envy?

  • LceeL September 27, 2011, 1:11 pm

    Who was that mope? I went and read your article (even though I’m really not the right audience for “College Humor” – I’m too young) and I though it was very … very … uh, let’s see … what am I trying to say here … Lily Tomlinesque! Yeah. That’s the ticket, Lily Tomlinesque! Whom I love. You were right up that alley. And that is NOT a sexual reference. Like I said. I’m too young.

  • Christy September 27, 2011, 1:29 pm

    You are amazing! The letter writer is NOT.

  • Tonya September 27, 2011, 1:45 pm

    I am scared that this man is a teacher. I really hope he doesn’t teach comedy writing and/or letter writing.

  • Uncle Skip, September 27, 2011, 2:09 pm

    Eye Surgery Education Council/Traffics In People… hmmmmmm!

  • Andrea September 27, 2011, 2:32 pm

    UGH! Didn’t he have papers to grade? I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that he did not have a date to get ready for!

  • Heidi September 27, 2011, 3:07 pm

    What a schmo. You, however, are awesome and so is this post.

  • Fragrant Liar September 27, 2011, 3:45 pm

    Wow, hate mail from a teacher. With a lesson to be learned and everything. Do you think he did? Learn his lesson?

  • San Diego Momma September 27, 2011, 4:11 pm

    Hijinker. I think you should use “stay-at-home hijinker.” As in “one who perpetuates hijinks.”
    Maybe that will unfurrow Dan’s lowbrow.

  • ZDub September 27, 2011, 4:29 pm

    I think you should probably frame his letter. You are totally big time.

  • Anna See September 27, 2011, 6:30 pm

    Oh my goodness. That man needs to get a different hobby.

  • Anonymous September 27, 2011, 7:38 pm

    Funny, almost every commenter on your personal blog is a lady. The guy might have actually have had a valid point. Too bad he couldn’t go to the comments like the rest of us, and insisted himself up to get burned. Good burning, btw.

  • Anonymous September 27, 2011, 7:41 pm

    I’m a woman who understands sarcasm

  • Robin September 27, 2011, 9:27 pm

    Girl… you are a woman now. That was hilarious. And KUDOS to you ANONYMOUS for getting your burn in. I am astounded by your bravery at standing behind your opinions.

  • Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac September 28, 2011, 7:27 am

    Remember the motto, Ann… What Would Tami Taylor Do? She would have freaking loved your response!

  • Heather EO September 28, 2011, 8:22 am

    Oh Ann. Everyone said what I want to say. Like Ellie feeling protective. And I want to hang San Diego Deb’s comment on a wall. And then Liz with her Tami Taylor. You have good friends. Dan probably doesn’t.

  • Sarah Has Moxie September 28, 2011, 8:40 am

    Perhaps Dan Fcuker would like all your adoring fans to critique his email and send responses to his employer….you do have his contact details, since he’s so much smarter than the rest of us that he included them, no? ;)

    Keep on keeping’ on, Ann, because we love you just the way you are!

  • KLZ September 28, 2011, 8:46 am

    Well Dan, at least now I can send a hilarious email to your employer telling them what you spend your time doing.

    Last laugh and all that.

    PS If you don’t like it, read something else.

  • Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him September 28, 2011, 9:40 am

    God, I thought it was bad getting emails to buy penis herbs and send money to United Arab Emirates all the time. I’m pretty sure Dan is behind those, too, though.

    This guy is a total wanker.

    Now I’m going to truth-tell you so good: You’re in the funny elite. And you better rec’nize.

  • dusty earth mother September 28, 2011, 10:36 am

    HI-larious. Well, he did say he goes there to find unsophisticated and lowbrow. How dare you be sophisticated and funny?! There oughta be a law!

  • The Mommy Therapy September 28, 2011, 10:45 am

    Love it! The time and energy he took to “school” you on your writing is priceless, he’s clearly some sort of funny scholar. How dare you not meet his mark!

    You Ann are in fact hilarious, Dan is clearly simply ridiculous.

  • Yuliya September 28, 2011, 2:12 pm

    I am just so proud of you. You don’t just have a hate comment, you have hate mail, tres sophisticated Ann!

  • lostandforgotten September 28, 2011, 2:15 pm

    Your response is amazing. There was nothing more that could be said than what you said. Dan ***cker clearly has too much time on his hands that he could have been searching for low brow photos with instead.

  • The Flying Chalupa September 28, 2011, 3:53 pm

    Holy fucking shit. The Articles of Motherhood wouldn’t deign to have this jerk.

    But you know what this means, don’t you Ann? You’ve hit the big time.

    And ps – you lay the smack down with the best of ‘em.

  • Scottish Lass September 28, 2011, 10:11 pm

    That man needs a hug. Not from you maybe.

  • Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub September 29, 2011, 11:08 am

    I speak for shenanagists everywhere when I say you are way too high-brow for our lot.

  • injaynesworld September 29, 2011, 5:38 pm

    Way to cut him off at the family jewels with surgical precision. Remind me never to get on your bad side.

    May the force be with you.

  • Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog September 29, 2011, 6:06 pm

    I feel so lame. I never get hate mail!! It’s a sign of coming up in the world, Ann. Can I hold onto your coattails? Maybe a lil bit o’coolness will rub off on my forehead as I clutch your Anthropologie sweater to my face?

  • Lady Jennie September 30, 2011, 12:24 pm

    Oh so he likes low brow pictures? Then he is clearly the go-to man for good taste. Sorry Ann, you’ll just have to bow out of this one.

  • the mama bird diaries September 30, 2011, 7:56 pm

    I can not believe that is a real letter. Wow. Just wow.

  • Loukia September 30, 2011, 9:15 pm

    I second what The Empress says! Also, his last name totally starts with the letter “F”, right?

  • Casey Freeland October 2, 2011, 2:06 pm

    Ann! Congratulations! You have arrived. You are now THERE. No offense, and this guy is probably a much better writer than I, but I think he needs to find himself a life, maybe not even his own, and start living it.

    Cheers,

    Casey

  • Rene/ Not The Rockefellers October 3, 2011, 5:35 pm

    What the hell?

    I think he just wants to get under your stay-at- home-motherhood-writing- apron.

    Idiot.

  • Avitable October 6, 2011, 9:43 am

    Awww, somebody’s in luuuuv with you!

  • Anonymous October 7, 2011, 6:25 pm

    ITT: Bunch of stupid praising stupid for being stupid.

  • Laura Seymour October 17, 2011, 11:15 am

    dweeb.

    and to think, i came here to say that i nearly died that ann! ann of ann’s rants! commented on my blog, and i felt like i had arrived!

  • ♥ Braja March 1, 2012, 8:07 am

    Honey, you DO realize he was masturbating the entire time he was writing….

  • Anne Flournoy March 3, 2012, 1:08 am

    Ohhhh me. That was kind of shocking. But I loved the way you gave him one for the other. LOVED it. You are one funny, smart and articulate person. And I second what others have said: just more proof that you’ve hit the big time. Fantastic about the College Humor gig! Mazel tov!

  • Anne Flournoy March 3, 2012, 1:08 am

    Ohhhh me. That was kind of shocking. But I loved the way you gave him one for the other. LOVED it. You are one funny, smart and articulate person. And I second what others have said: just more proof that you’ve hit the big time. Fantastic about the College Humor gig! Mazel tov!

  • Anonymous March 31, 2012, 11:37 am

    Time for some reality. The guy is right. College Humor has a very specific type of humor and demographic–a demographic geared towards males–and it is puzzling to see that either the pitch for this piece or the submission of an article was approved by the editorial staff.

    The article seems better suited for a diffrent site that showcases a certain type of humor. It just doesn’t fit. It is interesting that no one here is commenting on the actual article.

    The guy is just honest unlike the bulk of comments I have been reading. Too bad no one seems to appreciate frank words anymore.

  • Anonymous January 23, 2013, 10:04 pm

    You are so fucking funny, witty and humorous! I Love reading everything you write. This piece is priceless. I hope you get more hate mail now. Just so you can write responses such as this one.

  • psychochef March 20, 2013, 8:42 am

    That made me laugh until I cried!

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