(real email, received 9/26/11)
I would like to ask you to please never write for CollegeHumor.com again. Not to be offensive, as I’m sure you’re a better writer than I, but can we drop the “humorist” part of the “stay at home humorist” slogan? I’m sure you’re very witty and maybe even slightly humorous at times, but the CollegeHumor demographic is not your forte. Not even a little bit. Should you doubt me, a quick trip to the comments of your September 15th article, “My Eighth Grade Recital: I’m Not Going to Cry This Time.” I go to CollegeHumor to find low brow pictures and unsophisticated, yet funny articles. I’m not quite sure of what your article was trying to do, but it appears to have missed its mark widely. In summary, please stay to the articles on motherhood, which is a subject that is about as far away from the CollegeHumor demographic as well….the recitals of eighth grade girls.
ESEC/TIP Teacher Dan ***ker
[ a lot of identifying information to contact his employer with ]
P. R. China
Thank you for reading and reflecting on my September 15th article “My Eighth Grade Recital: I’m Not Going to Cry This Time” at CollegeHumor.com, and especially for taking the time to then click on my profile, click to my website, find my email and truth-tell me so so good.
Your timing is uncanny. Did you even know the Jewish New Year is upon us? The doors are closing, Dan ***ker and the time for forgiveness and repentance awaits. Of course you did not mean to offend me, Dan. For everyone knows that a “no offense” qualifier clause adds courtesy and denies a person any exceptionable response to even the crappiest sentiment—like adding “Just Kidding!” after “I don’t think I ever loved you.”
Anyway, who can blame you for being upset about my “slogan”-emblazoned right there upon the masthead of my personal website–that you took the time out of your busy fostering-of-students schedule to visit today? Humorist HAH! If that isn’t some inexcusable creative license-taking on my part, well I don’t know what is. May I apologize for my banner hubris, and then may I suggest “shenanigans” as a conciliatory gesture? As my body will fast on Yom Kippur—the upcoming Day of Atonement—so shall my banner rend her slogan, drop her humorist façade, and become the Stay-at-home-shenanagist. In Hebrew we say Mea culpa mea culpa mea maxima culpa!
I wish I could stop here and ask for your funny-barometer mercy, Dan
Wanker, but then there is that whole issue of the CollegeHumor.com demographic that is not my forte. Honestly, Dan, ever since toddlerhood I’ve considered funny humans age 18-34 with penises my forte, and I’m thankful someone finally called me on my bullshit. I mean if the editors who asked me to be a regular contributor weren’t going to step-up, than for God’s sake let ESEC/TIP Teacher Dan, spokesman for all 15,000 people who read my article—nay spokesman for all 300 million CollegeHumor.com views–show me that mark and where I missed it widely. If you could see me now, I’m tearing my clothes and pounding my chest over the content I so audaciously copied into that form inviting anyone with an account to contribute, which collegehumor.com then used to pollute that space where your low brow pictures and unsophisticated, yet funny articles should’ve been. Webspace is finite, and I took up some of yours.
Dan, you might not realize this but I think of you as a warrior. I’ve never gotten a letter like this before, and maybe the hundreds of thousands of other people who’ve read my humor writing online lack the expertise and generosity to reach out and guide me like a true teacher does. Think about the 14,999 others who read my CollegeHumor article. Perhaps some others read a few lines, scoffed, and went on with their day. Only a man with a true love of learning—and a demigod of funny articles and not the recitals of 8th grade girls–would sacrifice his very valuable and expensive screen time today to lend me his unique expertise of what is humor, what is not, and where the surely very witty and maybe even slightly humorous are not welcome.
Thank you, Dan
Focker. May the new year be a sweet one for you and yours. May you be inscribed in the book of life and also in those esteemed and far away Articles Of Motherhood.