≡ Menu

Rant’s little instruction book (part deux)

I just spent 5 days on the shores of Lake Superior. Spending time with family overlooking the majestic scenery (with wifi because we are not savages) quieted me and let me hear that inner-voice so often drowned out by my busy home life. Years have passed since I heard this voice (part one).  And I think it has grown profoundererer.

Ann’s Rant’s Little Instruction Book Part Deux**

It’s the thought that counts, but it doesn’t count for all that much. Don’t fool yourself.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Actually, go ahead because it looks like that hand doesn’t know when to stop. Why is that disembodied hand lingering over your mouth all the time anyway?
Good things come to those who wait, and it’s my turn again anyway. What.
Say please a lot. Say thank you a lot. Say insincere a lot.
You take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have the facts of life. The Facts of Life!
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him use the neti pot.
Something about teaching a man to fish instead of giving him fish. Would you rather I give you lunch or teach you about making lunch? That’s what I thought.
Look people in the eye, but if you don’t blink you’ll look like a psychopath.
We plan, God Laughs. God told me our plans aren’t funny but our shoes with the individual toes are. 
Use the good silver. You could be dead tomorrow.
Look at that pot calling the kettle black, then try and tell me again that this country does not have a race issue.
Compliment three people every day. It’s only sunshine-blowing when you get to five.
Learn to play a musical instrument and watch your real estate value plummet!
If in a fight, hit first and hit hard and explain to all your kick boxing classmates later.
Be the first to say hello. Even if it means body-checking that lady with the walker to get there.
Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen every day, and you will need one if you never give up on anybody.
Remember other people’s birthdays. Someday it might be nice to acknowledge them.
**Thanks to this handy reference of Life’s Little Instruction Book. Oh, and The Facts of Life tv theme song.


Thank you to Ford for lending us The Edge for our road trip. Too bad our regular cars now seem way suckier by comparison.

26 comments… add one

  • Deb N August 18, 2011, 2:20 pm

    Hilarity, Ms. Imig.

  • Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac August 18, 2011, 2:24 pm

    I’m so glad to know that God is on my side of the goofy toe-shoe debate!

  • anymommy August 18, 2011, 5:57 pm

    The list is awesome, but I’m having trouble forgiving you for putting The Facts of Life song in my head.

  • The Empress August 18, 2011, 7:12 pm

    Oh, I’ll just keep quiet about the shoes with toes.

    I think it’s best.

    Wonderful, as always..so creative, and wonderful.

  • Shannon Bradley-Colleary August 18, 2011, 7:18 pm

    Hello Ann — I think I just fell stone cold in love with you. And we seem to have the same chin. Perhaps we are long lost chin sisters. I am going to use my silver once I’m done commenting.

  • hokgardner August 18, 2011, 7:23 pm

    I so needed this laugh today.

  • Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo August 19, 2011, 12:05 am

    ‘Compliment three people every day. It’s only sunshine-blowing when you get to five.’

    Define compliment. ‘your arse totally doesn’t look fat in THOSE jeans’ or ‘those meds really seem to be working’ they work, right?

  • txmomof3 August 19, 2011, 6:46 am

    Love you, Ann. This is the first thing I’ve read this morning. What a fantastic way to start my day. You always make me laugh. So I’d add another one: Find friends who make you laugh. Sure, you’ll feel like a dullard because you aren’t the funniest one at the table anymore but you won’t care because you’ll be too busy laughing. xoxoxo, Jennifer

  • Anna Lefler August 19, 2011, 6:46 am

    Just a damn minute: Ford loaned you the guitarist from U2 to take on your family vacation?!?

  • Heather EO August 19, 2011, 7:15 am

    I WAKE MY BABY WHEN I READ YOUR POSTS ON MY PHONE IN THE NIGHT WHILE I’M TRYING TO GET HER TO SLEEP.

    I’m not yelling at you. I’m making the point that I can’t hold back the laughter.

  • Becky August 19, 2011, 8:00 am

    You need to go to the lake more often. You come back one funny lady.

    I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank you for getting the Facts of Life theme song stuck in my head. Damn you Tuttie!

  • dusty earth mother August 19, 2011, 9:24 am

    I’m copying this and hanging it over my computer. Seriously, I am. If for nothing more than God laughing at our individual toe-d shoes.

  • KLZ August 19, 2011, 9:40 am

    Personally, I find the way my toes look to be rather funny which leads me to believe God is laughing WITH me.

  • Yuliya August 19, 2011, 8:00 pm

    I like your post very much and your bangs. (One down two to go…)

  • ♥ Braja August 20, 2011, 10:01 am

    Were there drugs involved? Because really? There should be…..

  • Pseudo August 20, 2011, 9:40 pm

    Oh, how I wish my busy brain thoughts were a fraction this funny.

  • Poppy August 20, 2011, 10:16 pm

    Huh, I guess it wasn’t just my horse that was pissed off by the Waterpik Flossser/Netipot bait and switch.

  • Casey Freeland August 21, 2011, 10:32 am

    Look people in the eye, but if you don’t blink you’ll look like a psychopath. – You can’t buy that kind of wisdom… cause no one would pay for it. But I love it and when some dude is giving me the eye contact treatment and NOT blinking I want to duel slap him.

    Great list.

    Cheers,

    Casey

  • the mama bird diaries August 21, 2011, 9:07 pm

    I agree with God. Those shoes with the individual toes are weird.

  • Wendi August 22, 2011, 11:37 am

    You are such a fucking sage.

  • The Flying Chalupa August 22, 2011, 4:36 pm

    Oh, the neti pot – the horse should really try the neti pot.

    Also, people who don’t blink are obviously psychopaths who don’t wear contacts and have dry eyes.

    I LOVE THIS.

  • Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog August 23, 2011, 7:03 am

    You are simply Brilliant! I laughed, I cried, I was struck by the awesomeness that is Ann’s current Rant.

    (Driving a test car DOES kind of make you feel like your own, perfectly fine car is a piece of crap, doesn’t it?)

  • MommyTime August 24, 2011, 7:28 pm

    This is awesome, especially the part about looking people in the eye. I have to say, too, since I’m just back from my own vacation road trip and trying to catch up, that your McSweeny’s piece was FANTASTIC and hilarious. Thank you for great laughs tonight.

  • Lady Jennie August 25, 2011, 9:10 am

    Is it your birthday yet?

    This had me laughing.

  • Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him August 26, 2011, 9:38 pm

    When I was 12 I used to read Deep Thoughts aloud to my family every time we got in the car (soon after my mom developed a really intricate car pool network so that I was never actually in her passenger seat again), and – no joke – these are funnier.

  • Melissa September 25, 2011, 7:43 am

    Hi Ann, great list,you rock.
    P.S
    Stay at home humorist – you got it.

Leave a Comment