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Monday Morning Flow Chart

Successful Monday

OR

Shame Spiral

6:20 Respond to awake child. 6:20 Cover head with pillow and spew “TEEE VEEE. GEHHHT OUUUUT”
6:30 Put on pants and engage in proper washing, brushing, deodorizing and scare-reduction/concealing efforts Z
6:40 Make 1st of 5 cups of DECAF. DO NOT TURN ON COMPUTER. Z
6:50 Stir porridge whilst listening to child laying Lego weapons down, declaring peace for all Lego eternity. DO NOT TURN ON COMPUTER, instead sing 60’s anti war ballad “Last night I had the strangest dream.” Child hums, sways, nods knowingly. Z
Z
Z
Z
Z
Z

7:00 Receive toussle-headed second child. He hath risen, too! Z
7:10 Scat cheery ‘come to breakfast my children’ as children snap along to the table. Husband appears, dressed and rested. And snapping, of course. Z
Z
Z
Z
7:15 Meditate with slight smile as children nourish, for life is good and peaceful and organized and superior. Z
Z
Z
7:25 Eat one half of one banana sliced into oatmeal with only one scant teaspoon of brown sugar. Taste the food. Celebrate your mindfulosity! Z
Z
Z
Z
7:30 Offer children silent reading or read aloud. NEVER TURN ON YOUR COMPUTER. RESIST THE COMPUTER Z
Z
Z
7:45 Insert leather bookmark into Iphegenia in Aulis and Taurus, and march family toward teeth brushing with one rousing greek chorus. Z
Z
Z
Z
7:50 Children dress themselves. Children straighten their rooms. Children engage in gentle stretching BOI-YOI-YOIIINNNG!!!
7:55 Pokemon Team Rocket stuns you awake. Shake Husband commanding “YOU MUST HELP ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD”

8:00 Of their own volition, Children begin snow-clothing encasement. Husband makes it a game. Such fun, such merriment! 8:00 Run out to kitchen wearing tshirt and underwear yelling “BREAKFAST NOW OR GO TO YOUR ROOM. TEETH BRUSH NOW OR GO TO YOUR ROOM. OUT OF BED OR GO TO YOUR ROOM”

8:10 Leave the house. We are early. We are smiling. Kiss meaningful kisses goodbye. We can afford to dawdle and discuss last month’s translation of Medea. 8:10 Chug 16 ounces of Husband’s yester-coffee. Slam peanut butter on to Jelly. Slam hummus into snack-sized receptacle. PANIC OVER IMPROPER GREEN VEGETABLE SERVINGS. Throw lunch meat at children, and squawk ‘BREAKFAST’ in response to their dazed lunch-meat-on-forehead response.

8:16 Greet our friends on the playground with hugs and high-fives. Children respond with complete sentences to “How was your weekend?” Everyone dahoodoreys in a circle until the bell rings. Goodbye my son, enjoy your individualized learning! 8:16 PANTS. PANTS FOR EVERYONE! WHERE ARE MY GODDAMNED PANTS? Cover face with sunglasses/ugly shield

(“Goddamned Pants! Goddamned Pants!”)

8:20 2 or 3 people must crap. If you are not one of them, pace out side the door. ARE YOU READY ARE YOU DONE ARE YOU READY ARE YOU DONE. ARE YOU READY–wait–Hmm…ample time for email.

8:30 The 1st bell has happened. So has the 2nd. You are three degrees away from your email, sobbing at the beauty of an Allelujah shopping mall flash mob video, while your children help themselves to popsicles. SHHHHHHHHHHHIiiite. HURRY. HURRY HURRY. Toss children in car. Drive two blocks. Park car. Six asks “Are we early? Where is everyone?” Knock on locked door. The last kindergartner in humanity manages to open the door. Kiss in the direction of your child as he scuttles to first grade. Three asks “Why are we late, Mommy?”

HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME and to cover your morning breath. VOW TO DO BETTER and run home to check email.

There’s still time to enter my Lynda Barry/Hidalgo Chickens giveaway! I will announce the winner Friday. Thank you so much for all your hysterical preteen angsty wishes!

55 comments… add one

  • injaynesworld December 6, 2010, 9:26 pm

    (Falls to the ground kissing the earth) Thank you God for making me a barren spinster.

  • Logical Libby December 6, 2010, 9:42 pm

    So, really, how was your day?

  • One Crafty Mother December 6, 2010, 9:55 pm

    SNORT!

    My 8 year old almost missed the bus last week because of that flash mob airport video…

    And can I tell you how much love that you made dahoodorey into a verb?

    Perfection.

    -Ellie

  • Irish Gumbo December 6, 2010, 10:32 pm

    That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in months!

    Mindfulosity…so that’s what the yoga guy kept shouting at me :)

  • Malady December 6, 2010, 10:34 pm

    HaHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

    But why, good christ WHY decaf?? five cups of decaf? No successful day of mine begins with decaf.

  • lunamother December 6, 2010, 11:00 pm

    hmmm…according to this, we’ve never actually attained a “Successful Monday” or any other day.

    Of course, I’ve only been a mother for 30+ years- and thanks to clever childbirth timing, I’ve got another 10 years to work on such a worthy goal.

  • ninabadzin.com December 6, 2010, 11:27 pm

    Oh Ann, are you spying at my house!?!?! That is for sure what my mornings look like. Mostly because of Twitter and looking at blogs. Not good! I was going to write a post for tomorrow or Wednesday about how I feel like a half-ass mom on certain days . . . a similar topic to what you’re saying here in a way (although not the same format at all). If I do, I’ll reference your post and link to it! Oh, and obviously this was hilarious as usual!! Nina :)

  • Kristen {RAGE against the MINIVAN} December 7, 2010, 12:36 am

    Oh, this is sooo funny.

  • Scary Mommy December 7, 2010, 5:45 am

    I’ve recently moved from column A to column B. Glad to know I’m in good company.

  • Marinka December 7, 2010, 6:31 am

    This is my favorite post in the history of ever.

    I’m a column A mom myself, but thanks for the peek into how the other side lives!

  • Cheryl December 7, 2010, 6:56 am

    I’ve just put this post on my Favorites Bar. It sits right beside The Jeff Gordon Network as is fitting. I love JG with all my heart and soul. And this? This is just too damn funny to lose in the blogosphere archives.

  • Heather of the EO December 7, 2010, 7:14 am

    Oh Ann.

    This.

    This. Is just tooooo much. tooooo much in the best possible way.

  • Hollywood Farm December 7, 2010, 7:19 am

    Um how the hell did you see that from all the way over there? Oh and the computer went on. Probably my downfall! #FinalCutNotAPro

  • Becky December 7, 2010, 8:18 am

    Oh how I loved this and live it. The meat on forehead made me laugh, snort and then cough.

    I love you so!

  • Wendi December 7, 2010, 8:19 am

    So hilarious. And I’m in awe of your ability to make a chart.

  • OHmommy December 7, 2010, 8:24 am

    Best thing EVER.

  • Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] December 7, 2010, 8:35 am

    I tend to walk the line of Column A/B. Those (like that over-achiever Marinka) who live in Column A need a dose of my reality.

  • Claire S December 7, 2010, 8:38 am

    Oh Ann, you are AMAZING!
    Currently baby is whining on my knee b/c she needs nap, 3.5 is lassoing napkin alternately at menorah and camera to my admonishments/ignoring whilst I comment one-handed. Ahhh, honesty feels good.

  • Rhea December 7, 2010, 8:45 am

    hahaha Great post! We’ve all had this kind of morning…and some of us a LOT more than others. And who can resist the computer’s siren call?! Not I!!

  • Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog December 7, 2010, 8:54 am

    Lovely. A TRUE Slacker would have called her kids in sick, though…

  • Katherine at Postpartum Progress December 7, 2010, 9:56 am

    You are awesome possum. You always make me LAUGH OUT LOUD, which is the best medicine. I will laugh all day today thinking of the meat-on-forehead and the 2 or 3 people needing to crap (which is ALWAYS the case at my house when it’s time to leave and go do something). HAH!!!

  • Ilina December 7, 2010, 10:14 am

    How is it you have a sneak peek into my world?

  • Amber Page Writes December 7, 2010, 10:43 am

    Just giggled out loud (my cube mate is looking at me funny). My Monday morning was scarily similar…heck, my Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday mornings usually are too.

  • The Empress December 7, 2010, 10:43 am

    Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, and God bless you, and you’re going straight up, woman.

    I no longer have to hang my head in shame for how I live.

    It’s all exposed right here, for all to see. What shall we call ourselves? Slackers Anon? or Misplaced Priorities? ADD/ADHD Moms Unite?

    Or, how about “The Real World: Blogger’s Edition.”

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is beyond wonderful…it’s OK to be me, isn’t it?

  • kalr3 December 7, 2010, 10:55 am

    Oh how I loved this! I will admit that this is not only Monday for me…but routinely Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday…and also often Friday.

  • Elizabeth @claritychaos December 7, 2010, 12:01 pm

    such fun! such merriment!

    you make me feel a little less alone.

    xo can’t wait to see you in person next week!

  • Susan December 7, 2010, 12:26 pm

    ARE YOU READY ARE YOU DONE ARE YOU READY ARE YOU DONE. This has the makings of a dance club hit.

    GLOSSING OVER IT

  • Jack December 7, 2010, 1:47 pm

    See, this is why you need to live in a snow free city. We get up, throw on our flip flops, shorts and surf to school. It is great. I never hear people yell move faster.

    It is just laid back and easy.

  • Lady Jennie December 7, 2010, 2:00 pm

    I cannot remember the last time I have laughed so hard. I have to tweet this.

    And send it to my mom.

  • bernthis December 7, 2010, 2:56 pm

    not sure which impresses me more the hilarity of this or your ability to make that chart

  • Lisa Page Rosenberg December 7, 2010, 5:07 pm

    “Children engage in gentle stretching.”
    Love.

  • dusty earth mother December 7, 2010, 6:02 pm

    If I believed in such a thing as a Goddess, it would be you.

  • Zoeyjane December 7, 2010, 6:43 pm

    Nailed it. ‘Cept change ‘Monday’ to ‘Everyday’ for me.

  • Heidi December 7, 2010, 7:12 pm

    My neighbor called the other day to tell me that his cat was attacked by something (possibly my cat) and on a side note he mentioned that he could hear us in the morning on our way to the school bus stop.
    12yo: It’s all your fault, you didn’t help me get ready,at all, your the worse mother EVER!
    Me: RUN! RUN! RUN! DAMN IT! I’m not driving you if you miss the bus!

  • Loukia December 7, 2010, 9:02 pm

    This is officially my favourite post EVER. THANK YOU.

  • Anna Lefler December 8, 2010, 7:50 am

    I’ll take the Shame Spiral for $500, Alex.

    ;-) A.

  • seeking elevation December 8, 2010, 12:34 pm

    I tried to read this on my iPod in bed one night (because I have an internet addiction) and I laughed so hard I woke my husband up. He didn’t think it was as funny as I did, but that’s just because he was so tired. Jerk.

  • Erin I'm Gonna KIll Him December 8, 2010, 10:00 pm

    1. You know how to make charts?? Your talent has no bounds.
    2. I need to engage in more scare reduction effort.
    3. So many lines in here that made me nod and laugh, but I think my favorite (because I’m lowbrow) was ‘2 of 3 people must crap If you are not one of them…” Ha ha.

  • Keyona December 8, 2010, 10:11 pm

    Mindfulocity? My new fav word. Also, my new fav post.

  • Joanna Jenkins December 8, 2010, 11:30 pm

    You nailed this one perfectly– And “mindfulosity”. I’ll be using that one again.
    Cheers, jj

  • Tarja December 8, 2010, 11:51 pm

    One of your BEST, Ann. Right up there with Wheels on the Bus and Mussolini. The scatting? The lunch meat to the forehead? But let’s return to the scatting. Hilarious. I’m going to try scatting a breakfast song tomorrow. When I’m running 30 minutes behind schedule.

  • the mama bird diaries December 9, 2010, 2:23 pm

    We are totally in sync this week!

    This is hilarious. The gentle stretching cracked me up.

  • txmomof3 December 9, 2010, 8:43 pm

    I was laughing when I read this on my phone the other morning, all snuggled in bed still. Because I had, like, 9 minutes until we had to leave and all I had to do was make 3 school lunches and feed everyone breakfast. Thank God I’m not the only one. Also–not turn on the computer? This never even occurred to me. As in NOT turn it on? Really? Whoa.

  • Casey Freeland December 9, 2010, 9:41 pm

    I thought that was just me. Phew, thanks.

    Casey

  • Jane Lively December 10, 2010, 4:25 pm

    my key take-away was feelings of jealousy that you can sleep until 7:55… really? That rocks.

    Here’s what I said this morning to my kids: Please, please just get dressed and take care of your business so that Daddy doesn’t have to yell at you just one day this week.

  • Life with Kaishon December 10, 2010, 5:34 pm

    Oh my gosh. SO funny : ) and true!

  • Heidi December 12, 2010, 10:24 am

    “Goodbye my son, enjoy your individualized learning.” Are you kidding me??!! Loved, loved that. Loved the whole post. The yelling…I so get the yelling. I feel so sorry for our tenant.

  • Kimberly December 22, 2010, 10:50 pm

    BEST LINE in the whole thing:

    Throw lunch meat at children, and squawk ‘BREAKFAST’ in respond to their dazed lunch-meat-on-forehead response.

    What an image! Bwahahaha!

  • Kate Coveny Hood December 29, 2010, 2:59 pm

    My children have started saying things three times like, “we’re going to be late, late, late!” and “hurry – we’ve got to go now, now, now!” This has much to do with my own morning flow chart and related expletives…

  • Max January 15, 2011, 4:31 pm

    Pants as in trousers or pants as in knickers? ;-)

  • batteal September 26, 2011, 9:29 pm

    I find myself so jaded by mom-blogs, of late, but this is grade-A Awesome. I actually LOLed, and I almost never do that anymore.

    And of course, I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one hanging out in column II some days.

  • Lynnette Conroy April 3, 2012, 1:32 pm

    8:10. Every damned school morning. I love this.

  • Anne Flournoy June 19, 2012, 7:31 pm

    The snow clothing bit tipped me off to the fact that this is an oldie but goodie but OMG, I may just print this out, frame it and hang it in the kitchen. BETTER THAN A PHOTOGRAPH to remind me of the good old days. Disablingly funny.

  • Anne Flournoy June 19, 2012, 7:34 pm

    Hilarious!! Better than a photograph to recall the good old days.

  • The Jenkins Family ~~ August 22, 2013, 3:13 pm

    This is the funniest thing I HAVE EVER READ. EVER. Love it!

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