I went to Trader Joe’s yesterday and spent $100 on tortilla chips and fruit leather Ends-N-Pieces. Again. Now I must face my grocery penance–ENORMO STORE.
Jump in the cart! Yes, you too. And bring your farm-raised Alpaca! There’s room for everyone in the Woodman’s double-wide. This rig has no horn, requires a half-aisle skid distance to stop and a four-cart-width to turn. I know lady, I know it APPEARS I am heading straight toward you and the yogurt shrine, but Lady don’t you and your freshly-set hair worry a thing. In a mere 1.7 minutes, my children and I shall volley this baby clear away from dairy and launch ourselves back toward the ethnic aisle where we belong. As in “Hispanic/Kosher/Asian” as in GROCERY SEGREGATION AND OBSCENE PLANTAIN/CHALLAH/DOROWAT FREEZER INTER-MARRIAGES. See? We’ve almost cleared the cheese bricks. We’ll be on our way in a jiffy.
Let’s think about dinners…
Face-free for Husband (Check)
Gluten-free for 6 (Check)
Dairy-obfuscated for 6 due to his outgrown allergy that nevertheless repulses him due to his brainwashing to avoid dairy exposure before age three (check)
Dairy obfuscated for 3 because he does whatever 6 does. (check)
MEEP MEEP MEEP! FUN FIZZ ALERT. KOOLAID FUN FIZZ ALERT. STEER THE FoSHIZZLE AWAY FROM THE FUN FIZZ, MIZZ!
Husband bought kids FUN FIZZ last time Mommy disappeared for “work” and now 3 needs the juice. The corn-syrup, aspartame, yellow-numerical-dye, smiley faced ROLAIDS FOR CHILDREN just add water beverage.
Anyone have to use the potty? Before Mommy’s generation-parenting-with-toxic-food brain explodes into confetti onto the faux-cobblestone floor?
Three? I am enjoying your Oak Tree, but do you perhaps need to use the potty? My how you git jiggy wid it, but lets jiggy over to the potty. YES YOU DO. YES YOU DO. YES YOU–did. But just a little…Carry on!
Dinners. I still have no dinners.
Oh dear Lord and Yah-friend. I cannot face another corn tortilla or rice noodle. After all, I am Free to Be Gluteney! You prefer we observe your sabbath, but have you ever tried a gluten-free challah Yah-friend? And what PRAYTELL do you recommend for passover? I do not mean to sound hostile. Not at all. I could just use a little help. And some food that does not taste like RICKETS. Oh Yah-friend? Could you float over and and grab a $13.00 pouch of Xanthum gum for me? It’s next to the $47 gluten-free granola.
No sweet pizza lady, the children will not sample your wears, but COME TO ME. EVIL GLUTEN SCARY CHEESE PILE O PORK SLICEtte, COME TO ME! Just the sustenance I need to launch this grocery semi the mere 5K to check out.
Let’s see…$117.00 worth of rice-milk, 12 organic eggs. And Lemon Funcking Fizz. Packed in 1,113 plastic bags because the reusable bags sat below the cart all-the-while the checker checked and I wrote this blogpost in my head.
Weekly shopping at its finest.
Check out my friend Lisa’s blog Smacksy that was just named a Blog of Note. Smacksy is the uber humor/mom blog: superbly-written, funny, Sweet, and featuring BOB!