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Weekly Shopping

I went to Trader Joe’s yesterday and spent $100 on tortilla chips and fruit leather Ends-N-Pieces. Again. Now I must face my grocery penance–ENORMO STORE.
Jump in the cart! Yes, you too. And bring your farm-raised Alpaca! There’s room for everyone in the Woodman’s double-wide. This rig has no horn, requires a half-aisle skid distance to stop and a four-cart-width to turn. I know lady, I know it APPEARS I am heading straight toward you and the yogurt shrine, but Lady don’t you and your freshly-set hair worry a thing. In a mere 1.7 minutes, my children and I shall volley this baby clear away from dairy and launch ourselves back toward the ethnic aisle where we belong. As in “Hispanic/Kosher/Asian” as in GROCERY SEGREGATION AND OBSCENE PLANTAIN/CHALLAH/DOROWAT FREEZER INTER-MARRIAGES. See? We’ve almost cleared the cheese bricks. We’ll be on our way in a jiffy.
Whoakee doaks!
Let’s think about dinners…
Face-free for Husband (Check)
Gluten-free for 6 (Check)
Dairy-obfuscated for 6 due to his outgrown allergy that nevertheless repulses him due to his brainwashing to avoid dairy exposure before age three (check)
Dairy obfuscated for 3 because he does whatever 6 does. (check)
MEEP MEEP MEEP! FUN FIZZ ALERT. KOOLAID FUN FIZZ ALERT. STEER THE FoSHIZZLE AWAY FROM THE FUN FIZZ, MIZZ!
Husband bought kids FUN FIZZ last time Mommy disappeared for “work” and now 3 needs the juice. The corn-syrup, aspartame, yellow-numerical-dye, smiley faced ROLAIDS FOR CHILDREN just add water beverage.
Anyone have to use the potty? Before Mommy’s generation-parenting-with-toxic-food brain explodes into confetti onto the faux-cobblestone floor?
Three? I am enjoying your Oak Tree, but do you perhaps need to use the potty? My how you git jiggy wid it, but lets jiggy over to the potty. YES YOU DO. YES YOU DO. YES YOU–did. But just a little…Carry on!
Dinners. I still have no dinners.
Oh dear Lord and Yah-friend. I cannot face another corn tortilla or rice noodle. After all, I am Free to Be Gluteney! You prefer we observe your sabbath, but have you ever tried a gluten-free challah Yah-friend? And what PRAYTELL do you recommend for passover? I do not mean to sound hostile. Not at all. I could just use a little help. And some food that does not taste like RICKETS. Oh Yah-friend? Could you float over and and grab a $13.00 pouch of Xanthum gum for me? It’s next to the $47 gluten-free granola.
No sweet pizza lady, the children will not sample your wears, but COME TO ME. EVIL GLUTEN SCARY CHEESE PILE O PORK SLICEtte, COME TO ME! Just the sustenance I need to launch this grocery semi the mere 5K to check out.
Let’s see…$117.00 worth of rice-milk, 12 organic eggs. And Lemon Funcking Fizz. Packed in 1,113 plastic bags because the reusable bags sat below the cart all-the-while the checker checked and I wrote this blogpost in my head.
Weekly shopping at its finest.
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Check out my friend Lisa’s blog Smacksy that was just named a Blog of Note. Smacksy is the uber humor/mom blog: superbly-written, funny, Sweet, and featuring BOB!


Also…
There are only a few tickets left for Creative Alliance ’10 next month in Ojai, CA. This intimate gathering of 40 highly-motivated on-line women offers the chance to forge authentic one-and one connections in a beautiful setting. AND it features a live LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER: SALON. Please join us!

36 comments… add one

  • Yuliya September 21, 2010, 11:44 pm

    First, snort! (RITALMAO)rolling in the aisle laughing my ass off!

    Second, how dare you enter a supermarket when you should grow your own sustainable sorghum!

    And last, check out Nature’s Path Organic Mesa Sunrise Cereal (gf of course) on Amazon, if you subscribe & get it shipped to you it’s cheaper (woo to the hoo)

  • Fickle Cattle September 22, 2010, 1:33 am

    LOL.

    Also, I found smacksy through blog of note, and I thought it the coolest blog ever. :-)

    I am Fickle Cattle.

  • Jack September 22, 2010, 2:43 am

    I love Ojai. Spent half my life going to camp there. So many memories.

  • Keyona September 22, 2010, 5:11 am

    Rice milk? Really?

  • A Mom on Spin September 22, 2010, 5:48 am

    And I thought having three vegetarian daughters was bad. . .

  • Heather of the EO September 22, 2010, 6:14 am

    This is one of my favorites. But I think they’re all my favorites.

    And WAY TO GO SMACKSY! I love that. I didn’t know. And I’m even pretty sure I know what a blog of note is!

  • Erika September 22, 2010, 7:12 am

    Your weekly shopping is my weekly shopping, right down to the $117 worth of rice milk. You deserve a badge of survival. Now, off to check out this Smacksy person.

  • Becky September 22, 2010, 7:18 am

    Yep, $100 on fruit leather and tortilla chips is worth not going to Woodmans.

    Congrats to SMACKSY! And Bob.

  • Anna See September 22, 2010, 7:19 am

    Why can’t we just survive on air alone? Loved your chronicle of grocery store hell.

  • Anna Lefler September 22, 2010, 7:35 am

    And THIS is why I quit making dinner altogether.

    I also quit having children and going to the bathroom.

    A.

  • annie September 22, 2010, 8:31 am

    LOVE THIS!! So glad I’m not the only who either leaves all the reusable bags in the car or under the cart and walks out of the store with enough plastic to cover several landfills.

    Keep shopping there so we keep getting stories like this please!

  • Wendi September 22, 2010, 9:29 am

    “Obfuscated.” Very impressive, Ms. Rants.

  • bernthis September 22, 2010, 9:40 am

    Now if you got divorced and tossed one of your kids, I wouldn’t have these problems. Just sayin

  • Kate Coveny Hood September 22, 2010, 12:30 pm

    This reminds me of my good friend, Diane who has to cook food that is gluten free (for her son) and dairy free (for her daughter). How many times have I heard her long for the days of delivery pizza.

    I dread shopping for food and preparing meals. And I always feel like I arrive home with bags full of food for the kids (who are very strict about their all cheese and bread diet) but none for Chris and me. One would think I’d be skinnier…

  • Susan September 22, 2010, 1:38 pm

    Funny… I actually had the opportunity to eat free-range alpaca in Peru.

    GLOSSING OVER IT

  • Miss Grace September 22, 2010, 2:07 pm

    WHERE did they move the fruit leather ends and pieces to??
    I can’t find them anymore in my store. Maybe they’re in the same place as in your store?
    (They used to be with the other dried fruit, and not with the regular fruit leathers and energy bars, but now they are neither place?)

  • Lisa September 22, 2010, 3:49 pm

    Hilarious! Even if it does remind me that I’m supposed to be clipping and organizing those damn coupons.

  • Rene/ Not The Rockefellers September 22, 2010, 4:06 pm

    I am all exhaust-ey and in need of a Cinnabon as big as my face after reading this…

    and I think I have to go potty, too

    Oh hell yes Smacksy!! Good for you :)

    Rene

  • Rene/ Not The Rockefellers September 22, 2010, 4:08 pm

    and oh yeah..I am currently on the Trader Joe’s patch…I can now only wistfully look though the “fearless flyer”.

  • Lisa Page Rosenberg September 22, 2010, 4:58 pm

    The Oak Tree is totally my jam too.
    “Spread your branches you know just what to do.”

    Thanks for the shout out out out.
    (Sorry. Can’t stop The Oak Tree.)

    xoxoxo

  • Suzy September 22, 2010, 7:28 pm

    I could never be Jewish, a vegan, vegetarian, fruitarian or anything else that restricts my food. I’m just too lazy and would prefer to:

    A. Burn in hell
    B. Be covered in a plague of locusts
    C. or rashes, whichever comes first.

  • The Empress September 23, 2010, 9:25 am

    I’m with Suzy..

    but loved reading this, and have felt the dent in the credit card, too.

    Food allergies: not by choice.

    And congrats to Smacksy! I love Lisa, and sweet Bob.

  • dusty earth mother September 23, 2010, 8:41 pm

    I thought I was the only one who forgot the recycled bags under the cart while writing a blog post in my head. I love you, AnnRants.

  • dusty earth mother September 23, 2010, 8:48 pm

    Obviously, that was supposed to be Ann’sRants. How can I love you if I can’t even spell your blogname?

  • jennygirltherat September 24, 2010, 9:04 am

    “Yah-friend” makes me laugh hard every time I think of it. This has been going on for days. I’m going to use it at my next Women’s Circle/Bible Study.
    The fact that I attend one of these makes me laugh every single time, too. But then, they’re the kind of gals who screamed with appreciative laughter when I told them about the “WTFWJD?” t-shirts.

  • Joanna Jenkins September 24, 2010, 9:51 am

    Fruit leather and RIce Milk. Oy vey. How do you do it.
    Can’t wait to see your recipe for gluten free noodle kugle.
    xo jj

  • Mom2Miles September 24, 2010, 12:37 pm

    LOL! Thanks for the laugh. I have to contend w/ a non-meat-eater, an ONLY-meat-eater, a picky-as-hell preschooler, and a insatiable baby. Good times.

  • injaynesworld September 24, 2010, 3:41 pm

    Ah-ha! That must be the event Stephanie (Ooph) was telling me she would going to. And then she’s driving up here to hang with me for a couple of days and drink wine.

    A word of warning. Ojai is where I broke my neck. If you should require hospitalization when there crawl, if you have to, to Ventura. Whatever you do don’t let them take you to The Little Shop Horrors that passes for an emergency room there.

  • seekingelevation September 24, 2010, 5:17 pm

    OMG, I literally just came home from grocery shopping. I sat down to read some blogs because I realize that a hundred something dollars later, I still have no items in the house that could go together to make dinner. I’m so over it.

  • Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him September 24, 2010, 8:20 pm

    God, grocery getting is harrowing. I spend $200 only to realize that I’ve essentially started a canned food drive and still have no dinners. My mom used to say that donkeys were so stupid that if you put two bales of hay in front of one, it would starve to death because it can’t decide which to eat from. She has also likened me to this very donkey after watching me food shop.

    Loved this. FACE FREE!! Never heard but plan to use now!

  • Elizabeth @claritychaos September 25, 2010, 10:09 pm

    I lost whatever it was I was going to say when I got to @jennygirltherat’s comment about the WTFWJD? shirts. (laughing hard right now.)

    Yah-friend. You need to trademark that one.

  • The Flying Chalupa September 26, 2010, 10:13 am

    This is why I avoid Costco’s. But – can you believe – I have not been to Trader Joe’s? Ever?? Gasp! And I HAVE been looking for a way to get rid of $100 quickly.

    Also, everyone seems to know about Smacksy but me! I feel so left out. Must rectify situation.

  • the mama bird diaries September 26, 2010, 4:01 pm

    Very funny. Love Trader Joe’s. Although I never seem to come home with one potential dinner. Just a lot of cool, dairy free, gluten free, everything free snacks.

  • MommyTime September 26, 2010, 7:34 pm

    Ah, the warehouse that is Woodman’s… I feel your grocery shopping pain. What kills me is feeling like the pantry at home always has STUFF in it, and yet that stuff cannot be concocted into meals, and so we go and buy more stuff. I think it’s time to declare a moratorium on grocery purchasing until we eat up whatever is in the pantry. I’m pretty sure that noodles with a side of mandarin oranges counts as lunch.

  • anymommy September 26, 2010, 8:32 pm

    Yeah, that sums it up. Except we don’t have any allergies, thank god, or I might just be feeding them through IVs by now to avoid shopping.

  • 2girlsonabench September 27, 2010, 4:59 pm

    If eating the samples at Trader Joe’s is wrong, we don’t wanna be right! Enjoyed the rant, and we’re always up for a good Trader Joe’s adventure!

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