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Rant’s Little Instruction Book

A bird in the hand is worth freaking out over.

Listen to your Heart. And then listen to The Indigo Girls. Compare and Contrast.

When life gives you lemons, don’t let them rot in the crisper.

You’re only as old as you feel. And my, your skin feels papery.

If at first you don’t succeed, there’s always Second Life

Denial means never having to say you’re sorry

When one door closes, you might be locked out.

When God closes a door, he doesn’t want you to come in

An apple a day drowns under your Big Gulp

It takes all kinds, but no one likes the Brazil Nuts

Go to bed angry (you stopped making sense hours ago)

Everybody is a winner. There are no losers. But you still can’t sit at our table.

Do what you love and the money will follow. It may never catch up, however.

That’s the way the cookie crumbles. Especially if it’s a lame-ass gluten free cookie.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. No one should throw stones. It’s just not a good idea.

Your not losing a daughter. You’re paying for a very expensive party and then they’re both moving in with you due to the economy.

March to the beat of your own drummer, and then settle down. You look funny when you march.

My glass is half full. Waiter?

38 comments… add one

  • ♥ Braja October 4, 2009, 11:59 pm

    “Everybody is a winner. There are no losers. But you still can’t sit at our table.” I live by this. Though the glasshouses one? It should read “…..because people in glass houses throw shit back and it hurts like hell so shut your smart mouth…”

    Or somethin’.

  • f8hasit October 5, 2009, 1:12 am

    “Go to bed angry (you stopped making sense hours ago)”

    THAT is just too damn funny…
    :-)

  • Christine Gram October 5, 2009, 1:42 am

    Words from the wise mommy. I really need this today! Thanks

  • Jack October 5, 2009, 2:14 am

    March to the beat of your own drummer, and then settle down. You look funny when you march.

    Who invented marching. I still owe him such a kick for the crap I used to have to put up with.

  • Not The Rockefellers October 5, 2009, 4:53 am

    Hey Ann!
    Up at the butt crack of dawn to read this.
    Funny!

    “An apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…but don’t eat those, they’ve got worms and shit in them.”

    Peace – Rene

  • LucyCooper October 5, 2009, 5:00 am

    Glad to know someone else has these slightly sadistic thoughts when confronted with Chicken Soup for the Soul and Life’s Little Instruction Book-type tomes.
    I will offer: “Quitters never win, and winners quit all the time, because knowing when to quit something means you’re not too stupid to see the writing on the wall.”
    I’m gonna have to go with f8hasit and say go to bed angry was my fave.
    fun post

  • A Mom on Spin October 5, 2009, 5:39 am

    I’m going with the denial thing from now on. . .

  • CatLadyLarew October 5, 2009, 6:10 am

    Words of wisdom to live by… Thanks! I needed that!

  • Wendi October 5, 2009, 6:59 am

    You should be on Oprah with this sort of insight. Very funny.

  • Frau October 5, 2009, 7:03 am

    I love it!!

  • Ryan Ashley Scott October 5, 2009, 7:32 am

    Another refridgerator-worthy post, Ann. (Now don’t you feel like a special little 3rd grader?)

    Everything happens for a reason. Next time you fall on your face, remember how many people really needed that laugh.

  • Becky October 5, 2009, 7:48 am

    Perfect! Especially the “go to bed angry” one.

  • Sprite's Keeper October 5, 2009, 7:59 am

    What about bricks? Can you throw bricks?

  • Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub October 5, 2009, 8:06 am

    These are brilliant. :) I especially liked the “…but you still can’t sit at our table one” one. :) So true! snort.

  • darsden October 5, 2009, 8:12 am

    Great spin on what we have heard all our lives growing up! Funny :-)

  • Keyona October 5, 2009, 9:04 am

    “March to the beat of your own drummer, and then settle down. You look funny when you march.”

    How did you know? You been watching me march? LOL!

  • The Mother October 5, 2009, 10:45 am

    Definitely a better list of aphorisms than the ones I grew up with–or the ones I tell my kids. I guess I’m going to have to borrow yours.

  • Suzy October 5, 2009, 11:02 am

    Hilarious post. Now start forwarding it to everyone you know and see how long it takes to get back to you.

    But you still can’t sit at our table.

  • SoccerMom October 5, 2009, 11:25 am

    Great Post! Thanks for the freakin laugh on a crappy Monday!

  • lyndsay October 5, 2009, 12:43 pm

    But I do like Brazil Nuts.

    Shit.

  • Lisa Page Rosenberg October 5, 2009, 2:45 pm

    “…and my your skin feels papery.”

    I believe your brilliant post to be worthy of monumental viral email action.

  • Roshni Mitra Chintalapati October 5, 2009, 2:55 pm

    hehehe!! Just awesome! Worth putting up on the fridge, I agree!!

  • DebraLSchubert October 5, 2009, 3:29 pm

    Love it! You should write a little instruction book for new parents. I’m sure you could have a ball with that!!

  • Anonymous October 5, 2009, 3:46 pm

    And don’t forget: The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

  • Kate Coveny Hood October 5, 2009, 3:56 pm

    I think “It takes all kinds, but no one likes the Brazil Nuts” is genius.

    What about “A bird in the hand is worth a case of Purell”?

  • beansgood October 5, 2009, 8:10 pm

    as for “Denial means never having to say you’re sorry” Hoo-boy! I’m a gonna borrow that one for a certain person I have the unfortunate experience of working for.

    He’s in serious need of an ‘Effemall” pill, preferably in suppository form and in triple strength. I’ll even volunteer to help administer the dang thing… bend over, bubba… help is on the way!

    Love it!

  • Twenty Four At Heart October 5, 2009, 9:13 pm

    I wish I’d read this one before I attended that Plastic Surgery Party:

    You’re only as old as you feel. And my, your skin feels papery

  • Fragrant Liar October 5, 2009, 9:17 pm

    HAHAHAHA!!! I want to pick out a favorite, but they’re all favorites! You’ve outdone yourself with these little ditties.

  • Domestic Goddess (In Training) October 6, 2009, 11:37 am

    I have always liked “my glass is half full… cuz it’s faster to chug straight from the bottle.”

  • BOSSY October 6, 2009, 8:23 pm

    “And my your skin feels papery..” Ah hahahahahahahahahaha. Oh. Please excuse Bossy the guffaw.

  • *mary* October 6, 2009, 10:57 pm

    Bwahahhaha! There’s always Second Life. That one killed! They are all hilarious.

  • MommaKiss October 7, 2009, 6:56 am

    regarding the “wedding” – thank god I have boys and I’m praying they don’t ever ever leave home in the first place. (of course, they’re at that cherub age where they like me, so I’ll re-assess in 10 years).

  • Margo October 7, 2009, 1:57 pm

    Thanks for this. I’m not in the mood for any pollyanna sheez recently. Doors opening? my a** :)

  • Beth October 7, 2009, 6:24 pm

    You made these sayings all make sense. Help me out with “The early bird gets the worm.” I don’t drink tequila.

  • the mama bird diaries October 8, 2009, 7:29 am

    Very cute. My favorite, “Go to bed angry (you stopped making sense hours ago).” Awesome!

  • injaynesworld October 8, 2009, 10:18 am

    How did you know about my papery skin?! We haven’t even met! And I’m wearing long sleeves!

  • Secretia October 10, 2009, 11:04 am

    OK I like the part of “Denial means you never have to say you’re sorry”

    Secretia

  • Cookie October 12, 2009, 8:15 pm

    LOL! That was funny. Denial means never having to say you’re sorry was my favorite :)

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