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God? Oprah? Kelly Corrigan?

It’s that time of year again. For the second birthday in a row some small specimen of questionable seafood has Roto-Rooted my intestines. Instead of eating a delicious birthday dinner with my Mom and Sister tonight I’m here. Again. With you–not so Tiiiiiny Bubbles.

Perhaps I’m being punished.

Are You There God? It’s me, Ann. Is shellfish really that big a deal? I know your beef with pig, but do you draw the line at mussels? Maybe you wondered what I’d look like after losing an entire dress size in one night…rather, in one hour. But that was last year.

Oprah? Gail? SUZE? I ignored my voice within. Watching Five and Two-Year-Old happily consume MISO SOUP (seaweed, tofu) and EDAMAME (soybeans) with kid-rigged chopsticks at lunch today gave me such a Momgasm, I ate the funky maki anyway. I knew it didn’t taste right, but why trust my most basic animal instincts? Forget the stairs, I’ll just hop in the elevator with Hannibal The Cannibal. He doesn’t look all that hungry.

Wait a minute…Kelly Corrigan! No wonder. Yup, this is a Kelly hangover. I channeled her Transcendence-ness before a table full of my girlfriends last night. I read a heartfelt toast written just for them, and now I realize I subjected my innocent lovely friends to Ann/Kelly on an empty stomach. These people bought me dinner and brought me gifts, and how do I repay them? Friends don’t let friends verbal-karaoke.

Next year I’ll just host a small prayer circle bedside.

23 comments… add one

  • Suzy May 10, 2009, 11:28 pm

    I love mussels. But I’m now allergic to oysters and I could eat them raw by the dozens. So sad.

  • Beth May 11, 2009, 3:32 am

    This is the second post I’ve read about being smoted over the weekend. But I have a new line I am borrowing – “Roto-Rooted my intestines.”

    When I’m sick, I think I hurl my sense of humor, too. You, well, you are still damn funny!

    Hope you feel better.

  • ladyfi May 11, 2009, 3:52 am

    Poor you! I had a case of the not so tiny bubbles too last week!

  • K May 11, 2009, 4:54 am

    Oh – that’s terrible. Hope you feel better soon.

    Happy birthday.

  • Joanie M May 11, 2009, 6:40 am

    yuck! Hope you’re feeling better today!

  • Pearl May 11, 2009, 6:48 am

    Did I just lose my comment? Ack! I moved on too quickly — should I reiterate that I had exactly the same thing last week, that I lost six pounds, that I hope you feel better very soon?

  • darsden May 11, 2009, 6:49 am

    I am allergic to all seafood! I live on the Gulf of Mexico it sucks. Hope you feed better! Happy Birthday (I think you are allergic to them ;-))

  • ♥ Braja May 11, 2009, 7:23 am

    Ooooooo!!! Can I head the prayer circle? I’ll bring schnapps, really…

  • Comedy Goddess May 11, 2009, 7:49 am

    Prayer circle in a yurt sweat lodge during a full moon women members only meeting? Now that might give me tiny bubbles.

  • G. Coppard May 11, 2009, 8:07 am

    Beef with Pig! Oh, that is good stuff. Why is it food eats you on special occasions? Because we’re more likely to eat strange plates prepared by questionable proprietors? Maybe. I’ve gone the funky maki route myself. Isn’t stomach acid supposed to break that funk down?

  • Domestic Goddess (In Training) May 11, 2009, 9:30 am

    But…. losing a dress size in an hour is some women’s dream. Think of the toilet bowl half full!!!!

  • Heidi May 11, 2009, 12:27 pm

    OH, that is terrible. I hope you are better by now. At least you are making people laugh with your post during your misery.

  • Roshni Mitra Chintalapati May 11, 2009, 3:27 pm

    Sounds horrible…but at least you’re not giving us any gory details…as Domestic Goddess seems to be doing!!! Yeeesh!! >:(

  • Kathy B! May 11, 2009, 5:50 pm

    That sucks, Ann… Once is bad. Twice? That sounds like some sort of karmic retribution. Be careful a bus doesn’t fall on your head next year. These things build over time, ya know?

  • the mama bird diaries May 11, 2009, 8:34 pm

    Oh, I am so sorry. Happy Birthday!!

  • Banteringblonde May 11, 2009, 9:08 pm

    yikes, there isn’t much worse! Happy Birthday!

  • Michelle May 12, 2009, 4:42 am


    Ooops I mean Birthday!!

    I want to take you out for some fish dinner!!!

  • Elaine at Lipstickdaily May 12, 2009, 7:15 am

    Ooooh . . . hope you’re feeling better!

  • Nap Warden May 12, 2009, 3:54 pm

    Oh no…feel better:)

  • Mary@Holy Mackerel May 12, 2009, 6:08 pm

    Can’t be fun. Not even a little. Hope you feel better soon…

  • Employee No. 3699 May 13, 2009, 7:42 am

    Belated Happy Birthday!

    So a whole size in one hour…what’s the name of that restaurant?

  • anditsgone46 May 13, 2009, 2:40 pm

    I’m not a Mom but i’ve had the runs many times from many questionable substances and I symphathize….seafood, which i love, always has something fishy about it:)

  • anymommy May 13, 2009, 3:08 pm

    Blech. I’m so sorry. On your birthday, that’s just not right. I totally get the mom pride over your kids eating ‘non-kid’ food though. My kids LOVE shrimp and down Thai like it’s mac and cheese, etc. and it gives me a little momgasm of my own.

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