It’s me, your Middle School Columnist who started 6th grade. Big whoop I get to interview my future self for Language Arts. This is due tomorrow and I’d rather be perfecting my brand new personal style of handwriting which we are finally allowed to have in middle school, or watching Santa Barbara with ravishing Kelly and the Carnation Killer. So let’s get this over with.
First the Middle School Columnist will review the current events of her life. But first first– a secret! Did you sleuth that the v-neck Wisconsin shirt the Middle School Columnist wore today is actually a nightshirt?? And the matching red socks used to be my tights?? p.s. remember to put BOAT SHOES and NECK BROACH on your list of things you need that are definitely not wants but needs!!!! p.p.s do you know what comsi-comsa means and why that girl in homeroom is always constantly saying it? p.p.p.s. What is Lapidary club and if it means we stare at rocks after school did the teachers invent this as a joke etcetera etcetera etcetera?
Okay back to our interview.
Hi what’s your name? HAHAHAHAHA jkjkjk
Hi Middle School Columnist. My name is Ann Imig.
Imig? What is that.
That’s your married name.
Weird. No offense. Do you have beautiful daughters?
You have two sons. One recently began middle school just like you.
Are they cute? Do they have weird thumbs? Someone wanted to marry me?
Yes, a man you met– a drummer at a musical theater. The boys are super cute and neither of them have your thumbs.
Were you the lead? Wait. CAN YOU DRIVE? WHAT HAPPENS IN THE YEAR 2000? Did anyone open a time capsule? Was anything from me inside of it? How long did it take you to grow your hair out?
On New Year’s Eve 2000 we had fondue at home in Chicago where we lived for a while–
DID YOU KISS?
DID YOU FRENCH?
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAGRODY. WHOA. Okay so you are like practically my parents age.
Well, now your parents are 73.
NO WAY. Do you push them around in wheelchairs?
Thankfully, no. They’re both very much the same but have white hair.
Freaky. Did I follow my stretching plans to finally get to the splits at least one way?
Never got to the splits. None of the ways.
Do we ever get a VCR? Cable? Do I ever get to go on a cruise?
I think you get a VCR and maybe even cable in high school. You take one horrible 3-day cruise your mom got with her new car when you’re 25.
I have to go now because Sally Jesse Raphael’s infinity talking is finally over. Oh wait, what were you when you grew up?
Right now I’m a writer and a producer and I run my own organization.
So you didn’t become a Broadway star?
No. But I do get to be on stage and speak to people and go on TV a bunch. I think you’ll really like it.
That’s cool. You should do your nails though. I’m going to see if our brother Dan ate all the good cookies and sorry but I have enough for my assignment now. Thank you Ann What’s-Your-Name.
Imig. Thank you, Middle School Columnist!