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GradeSchoolColumnist

You have to admit it’s been practically forever and a day since you’ve heard from me. But I’m really into lists and check boxes and excellent pens that write perfectly so I say why not? That’s why not! Get it? Hahaveryfunny Ann Krinsky.

Here are my first 7 jobs of my life: Don’t tell because these are b.s. baby games for the first jobs.

  1. Driving and parking on my bike. My job is take you to Mom’s or take you to Dad’s or take you wherever you want and no you don’t need to ride a bus or even have Megan’s mom give you a ride home. I will pick you up and drop you off and maybe we will even go rent a VCR because this is your lucky day. While my pretend children are at figure skating and flute and beauty school, I am biking in circles and doing talented tricks like an arabesque with one leg in the actual air, or both legs through the handle bars while my butt is on the seat still. I’m great at driving and parking even though sometimes I forget the kids if I’m reading the new Dynamite or walking down to Glenway to buy Tangy Taffy.
  2. I run a store in my room! What you need for store is something you can slide over something else for your credit card machine. That’s the whole job unless it’s Christmas and we are preparing to make old Chatty Cathy’s Christmas dreams come true–like that she’ll have another disk to stick in her rib so she can say something new for once that isn’t all static and way too fast or way too slow, or maybe she would enjoy a back without a pull string in it. Or maybe she wishes she was a new doll that wasn’t an ugly antique that I shouldn’t have cut the hair on. Maybe she doesn’t like the bob I gave her, but everyone knows you can’t get long hair for Christmas. That’s duh or I’d have a pony tail instead of 27 bobby pins. I don’t even celebrate Christmas but we sell Christmas dreams in my store just like I say in my commercials in the bathroom mirror.
  3. Setting the table. Barf.
  4. Babysitting is a real job and I get paid and it’s super boring and I never feel normal watching Hill Street Blues on someone else’s couch. I worry if three bowls of sugar smacks was inappropriate and if they’ll wake up and yell GOOD MORNING WORLD ANN KRINSKY ATE ALL OF OUR BREAKFAST AND NOW WE HAVE NOTHING TO EAT.
  5. Bus boy. I have a real job when I’m only 13 (ESP ALERT PSYCHIC ALERT!) I almost drop the dish tubs because the dishes are so heavy but I must pretend it is all no problem. My goal is to work the cash register in the deli because nails look good on a register. But here is a problem: like I don’t even get how people count money backwards when they make change. This might alter the course of my future. Like growing out my hair, But that would change my life in the good nails way not the bus tub way.
  6. I am going to be the World’s Best Camp Counselor who mainly focuses on the boy counselors instead of on my campers and gets that constructive criticism in her performance review. Whoa am I ESP or WHAT?? Told you so. This doesn’t even happen until I’m 18.
  7. Famous Broadway singer psychic blond Esprit Model wife of The Flamingo Kid (hot!), Ricky Schroeder (babe!), or David Addison (old but totally in my league I hope!)
6 comments

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